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| Posted by Mindy A. Gotsch on 14-Aug-2005 | Adam and Eve Must Be RussianA Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve
frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be
British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple
to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
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| Posted by harmonie on 14-Aug-2005 | Californians Are Mad!An open letter to the rest of America:
America has engaged in some finger wagging lately because
California doesn't have enough electricity to meet its needs.
The rest of the country (including George W. Bush's energy
secretary Spencer Abraham, who wants Californians to suffer
through blackouts as justification for drilling for oil in
Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge) seems to be just fine
with letting Californians dangle in the breeze without enough
power to meet their needs. They laugh at Californians'
frivolity. Well, everybody. Here's how it really is:
California ranks 48th in the nation in power consumed per
person. California grows more than half the nation's fruit, nuts
and vegetables. We're keeping them. We need something to eat
when the power goes out. We grow 99 percent or more of the
nation's almonds, artichokes, dates, figs, kiwifruit, olives,
persimmons, pistachios, prunes, raisins and walnuts. Hope you
won't miss them. California is the nation's number one dairy
state. We're keeping our dairy products. We'll need plenty of
fresh ones since our refrigerators can't be relied upon. Got
milk?
We Californians are gonna keep all our high-tech software in
state. Silicon Valley is ours, after all. Without enough
electricity, which you're apparently keeping for yourselves, we
just plain don't have enough software to spare. We're keeping
all our airplanes. California builds a good percentage of the
commercial airliners available to fly you people to where you
want to go. When yours wear out, you'd better hope Boeing's
Washington plant can keep you supplied. There isn't enough
electricity here to allow us to export any more planes than we
need ourselves. And while we're at it, we're keeping all our
high tech aerospace stuff, too, like the sophisticated weapons
systems that let you sleep at night, not worried you might wake
up under the rule of some foreign kook. Oh, yeah, and if you
want to make a long-distance call, remember where the satellite
components and tracking systems come from. Maybe you could get
back in the habit of writing letters. Want to see a blockbuster
movie this weekend? Come to California. We make them here. Since
we'll now have to make them with our own electricity, we're
keeping them. Even if we shot them somewhere else, the labs,
printing facilities, editing facilities, and sound facilities
are all here.
Want some nice domestic wine? We produce over 17 million gallons
per year. We'll need all of it to drown our sorrows when we
think about the fact that no matter how many California products
we export to make the rest of America's lives better, America
can't see its way clear to help us out with a little
electricity. You can no longer have any of our wine. You all
complain that we don't build enough power plants. Well, you
don't grow enough food, write enough software, make enough
movies, build enough airplanes and defense systems or make
enough wine. This is your last warning, America. Lighten (us) up
before it's too late.
Love,
The Californians
"I love California - I practically grew up in Phoenix." -Dan
Quayle
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| Posted by Doggy on 14-Aug-2005 | Gum-ChewingA gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a
restaurant. The American feel really proud to be an American, so
he starts a conversation.
He asks the Frenchman, "When you eat bread, do you eat all of
it?"
"Mais oui!, of course!" responds the Frenchman.
"Well," says the American, "we only eat the soft part of it. The
rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through
a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in France.
"And what about steaks?" he continues. "Do you eat all parts of
them?"
"Bien sur! We do," replies the Frenchman.
"You don`t say!" says the America, grinning. "We don`t! We only
eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in
containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what
comes out are little steaks that we sell in France."
Now the Frenchman is really riled. So he asks, "And what do
Americans do with their used condoms?"
"Hey, we throw them away of course," says the American.
"Ha!" exclaims the Frenchman. "We collect them in containers,
take them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes
out is chewing gum that we sell in America!"
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| Posted by sanoiker on 14-Aug-2005 | NationalitiesTOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH
----------------------------------------------------------
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on TV
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating
your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN
--------------------------------------------------------------
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody
seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
10a. When you're not.
10b. At all.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH
------------------------------------------------------------
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Proper beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events due to
your extensive experience
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear
10. Beats being Welsh.
10a. Or Scottish
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN
-----------------------------------------------------------
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH
-----------------------------------------------------------
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty
7. One sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes
and risk your life in front of bulls
8. You get to eat bulls' testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN
-----------------------------------------------------------
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN
---------------------------------------------------------
1. Chicken Madras
2. Lamb Passanda
3. Onion Bhaji
4. Bombay Potato
5. Chicken Tikka Masala
6. Rogan Josh
7. Popadoms
8. Chicken Dopiaza
9. Meat Boona
10. Kingfisher lager
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH
---------------------------------------------------------
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH
------------------------------------------------------
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican
Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with
a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness in a pub that never closes.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning
after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
----------------------------------------------------------------
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity
ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge fuckoff shotguns and cover your house in
their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN
---------------------------------------------------------------
1. Knowing your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilized
nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years
because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
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| Posted by hello there on 14-Aug-2005 | MacdonaldsA German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and
orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately
gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed. However, he turned to the
New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to
chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You
came here for the food!"
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| Posted by Charles Jupe on 14-Aug-2005 | A Texan Farmer in AustraliaA Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an
Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat
field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least
twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off
his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns
that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a
herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are
those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any
grasshoppers in Texas?"
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| Posted by Saer Sida on 14-Aug-2005 | Your Mama is Like A(n)..Your Mama is Like A(n)...
...Hardware store, 5 cents a screw.
...Ice Cream Cone, everyone gets a lick.
...Tube of Pringles, once you pop, you can't stop.
...vacuum cleaner, she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in the
closet.
...Shotgun, two cocks and she's loaded.
...Railroad Track, she gets laid all over the country.
...Door Knob, evryone gets a turn.
...Christmas Tree, everyone hangs balls on her.
...Lettuce, 25 cents a head.
...Tricycle, she's easy to ride.
...McDonalds, over 5 million served world wide.
...Carpender's dream, flat as a board and east to nail.
...Fan, she's always blowing someone.
...5 Foot Basketball hoop, it ain't that hard to score.
...Turtle, once she's on her back she's fucked.
...Birthday Cake, everyone gets a piece.
...Squirrel, she's always got some nuts in he mouth.
...Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, there's no wrong way to eat her.
...Bag of Potato Chips, " Free-To-Lay "
...the Sun, look at her to long and you'll go blind.
...Bowling Ball, she gets picked up, fingered, thrown down the
gutter, and she still comes back for more.
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| Posted by Apple Jack on 14-Aug-2005 | I Am a Bad AmericanI Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some
mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who
wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn
it!
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne,
Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang.
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.
I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do
it in English.
I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for
unpopular opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more
enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your
parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7
years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God.
Hillary Clinton is a carpet-munching lesbian.
My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr.
Quinn, Medicine Woman.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about
it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts
now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty
years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't
burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither
have you, so shut-the-#$%!-up already.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend
Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money? And why
is he always part of the problem and not the solution?
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if
you're running from them.
I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you
are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I
don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful
nation the world for the next four years.
I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to
sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to
their cause. These people should be targets.
I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your
license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the
bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.
I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it
takes two parents.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but
please don't pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately
the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it
is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President
of the United States.
If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD AMERICAN.
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| Posted by Kane F. Clayton on 14-Aug-2005 | SpellingWow do Canadians spell their country????
Well...Americans spell it like C-A-N-A-D-A....
Then how do you spell it the canadian way...
Not very different just like this...C-AYE-N-AYE-D-AYE.
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| Posted by Daniel Ali on 14-Aug-2005 | PeckerAnd husband and wife are driving down the road and the wife says
"Honey, are you cheating on me?" He hesitates and says "Yes
dear, im so sorry" Then all the sudded the wife pulls her
husbands pocket knife out and cuts off his pecker and throughs
it out the window. Following behind them is a little girl and
her father. The pecker hits the wondow and bounces off. The
lillte girl says "Did you see that dad?!" The dad replys "yes
sweetie, it was a bug" Then the little girl says "Did you see
the size of the dick on that bug?!?!"
This joke is kinda lame but i was bored!!!
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