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| Posted by Dragonfire563 on 09-Aug-2005 | Seat beltFrom a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to
Tampa.
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seat belt and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
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| Posted by ben kiesel on 09-Aug-2005 | Thanks for the ride"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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| Posted by Haydogg, Wooder on 09-Aug-2005 | Left behindOn landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
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| Posted by Kris10 on 09-Aug-2005 | Smoking sectionHeard on a Southwest Airline flight.
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to
smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can
light'em, you can smoke 'em."
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| Posted by Kathryn Ellis on 09-Aug-2005 | AppearanceOn a flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.
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| Posted by Brendan Cross on 09-Aug-2005 | BackwardsPaddy went to a riding stable and hired a horse.
"Hold on for a moment," said the assistant as he helped him on to the horse, "aren't you putting the saddle on backwards?"
"Why, you don't even know which way I want to go!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Xandi on 09-Aug-2005 | BeckhamDavid Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears to be in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.
Victoria admiringly watching her husband.
After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.
Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups.
As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.
Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!
Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Randy_Andy on 09-Aug-2005 | Pig in bullbarA farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Landcruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice.
"There's a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he's kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said.
"Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the 'cruiser there's a pistol. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush."
About 45 minutes later the farmhand called in again, "I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can't go on."
"Why not?" Asked the boss. "What's the problem?"
"Well it's his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Clueless_3216 on 09-Aug-2005 | First classThere is a blonde on a plane to New York. She is sitting in the first class section, but her ticket says that she should be in the coach section.
A flight attendant realizes the blonde's mistake and asks her politely to move. The blonde won't move.
She says, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
The flight attendant goes and tells all of the other flight attendants. They all try to persuade the blonde to move, but she won't move.
She says again, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York."
The flight attendants go and tell the pilot about the obnoxious blonde. They tell him the only thing that she says. He puts the plane on auto-pilot and whispers something in the blonde's ear.
Immediately, she gets up and moves to her normal seat. Then the pilot goes back to fly the plane. The flight attendants are all very curious about how the pilot made the blonde move so quickly.
They ask him and he says, "Oh, it was easy. All I had to do was tell her that the first class section wasn't going to New York!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Christine
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| Posted by Steve Bessette on 09-Aug-2005 | Pilot vs engineWhat's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis
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