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| Posted by Cameron Gaut on 14-Aug-2005 | KissameAman and his wife were driving their car across the country and were
nearing a town in Florida spelled Kissame. They noted the strange spelling
and tried to figure out how to pronounce it. So they went to a fast food
place and orderd two hamburgers, and the wife asked, "What is the name of
this place? And say it very slowly so I can understand it?" The casheer
replied, "Buuuuuurrrrrrrrggggeeerrrrr Kiiiiinnnnnnggggggg."
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| Posted by eric on 14-Aug-2005 | The Japenese and the AmericanAn American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA,
when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of '-ese'
are you?"
The Japanese, confused and replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you
mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of '-ese' are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yell, "What kind of -ese are you? Are
you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc..."
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I'm a Japanese!".
A while later, the Japanese turned to the American and asked, "What kind
of '-key' are you?"
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What you mean what kind of '-key' I am?"
The Japanese said, "Are you a monkey, donkey or a Yankee?"
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| Posted by Brenda Willing on 09-Aug-2005 | Friday 13thA fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 120 kph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
'There's no way they can catch a Mercedes,' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 130, 140, 150, 160... before the reality of the situation hit him.
'What the hell am I doing?' he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
'It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.'
The guy thinks for a second and says.
'Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.'
'Have a nice weekend.' said the officer.
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| Posted by Rubester on 14-Aug-2005 | Put Your Jacket on BackwardsTwo bikers were riding down a country road on a Harley. The driver's
leather jacket wouldn't stay closed because the zipper had broken, so he
pulled over. "Just put your jacket on backwards," his buddy suggested.
Then they zoomed off down the road, until they hit a curve at high speed
and crashed. A farmer found them and called the police.
"Is either of them showing any sign of life?" asked the officer.
"Well, the first one was" replied the farmer, "until I turned his head
around the right way."
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| Posted by Laura Nowicki on 09-Aug-2005 | Petrol priceHave you seen the new warning labels at service station that they have posted next to the prices?
Warning : Filling up could be hazardous to your wealth.
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| Posted by Rebecca L. O'Quinn on 09-Aug-2005 | BicyclesA man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border.
"What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand," the cyclist replied.
"Get them off. We need to take a look."
The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border.
A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags.
The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand.
This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear.
A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in the city.
"Hey, where have you been?" the guard asked. "You sure had us wondering! We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?"
The man smiled and told him the truth. "Bicycles!"
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| Posted by Reflex449 on 09-Aug-2005 | Stolen steedA tandem team rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a cold drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which they were.
When they finished their drinks, they found their steed had been stolen.
They go back into the bar, the captain handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE OUR STEED?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALL RIGHT WE'RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHA COLD DRINK, AND IF OUR STEED AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME WE FINISH, WE'RE GONNA DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS! AND WE DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
They had another cold drink, walked outside, and the tandem is back! They mount up and start to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what did happen in Texas?"
The captain turned back and said, "We had to walk home."
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| Posted by Edward Haskett on 09-Aug-2005 | Martha StewartMartha Stewart's time behind bars is starting to bear fruit.
The other day a bank robber was caught in a sporting goods store looking for a ski mask that didn't clash with the color of his getaway car.
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| Posted by jaimie on 09-Aug-2005 | Bad driversPeople today just don't know how to drive. I read about this eight car crash.
It took place in a dealer's showroom.
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| Posted by Ashy Ashy on 09-Aug-2005 | DecoyStaking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible D.U.I. violators, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the curb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat.
One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible.
"Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy"
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