|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Troy Bynoe on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Scenes Cut from TitanicTwenty passengers cling to Kate Winslet's implants for safety.
At the two-hour-and-20-minute mark, dinner guest No. 5 throws down his napkin and exclaims, "Will this darn movie ever end?"
A computer-generated Herve Villechaize screams, "De berg, de berg! Boss, de berg!"
Fearing that theme song will go on forever, Celine Dion's grandma leaps from a lifeboat.
Rose's evil betrothed reveals he's really Jack's father and suggests they overthrow the captain and rule the ship together, as father and son.
Captain Clinton shows Rose his dinghy.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Eminem Isgod on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Punchlines Without Jokes15. ...and Ms. Reno says, "Yeah, and it's DEEP, too!"
14. ...and the film will star Tom Arnold, Pauley Shore, and Quentin Tarantino.
13. "If word gets out, EVERYONE will want an extra pancreas."
12. ...and her husband says, "But they're twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
11. ...and she says, "So that's what Tiger means by 'getting up and down in two'."
10. ...so Steve Buscemi says, "How much Bosco can you drink, anyway?!"
9. "So's mine, lady -- must be the salt water!"
8. "So the talking duck turns to the guy and says, 'You wanna hear my impression of De Niro?'"
7. ...then the doctor says, "Ok, now it's my turn to cough".
6. Freud -- Because he'd get so excited by the donut that he'd never miss his wallet!
5. "If you can say you're a Kennedy, I can say I'm 18."
4. "Well if I'd known I had a squid in my underwear, I would have ordered the rice pilaf."
3. ...then the second trapper cried, "Sacre bleu! I deed not know she was ze prime ministaire's daughtaire!"
2. The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with HIS.
1. ...then Cathy Lee says, "What do you mean there's no such thing as Tuesday Night Football?!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Tar on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Complaints of Modern Day Vampires15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
6. No warm blood for miles around DC.
5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Murph J. Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Signs You Were Switched at Birth13. You don't look anything like Mary and Joseph.
12. No one else in the family is white, except for Uncle Jacko and his wife.
11. Unlike everyone else in your backwoods, redneck, trailer-park family, it is your ambition to become the President of the United States.
10. No one else in your nomadic tribe seems to share your love of collecting Beanie Babies.
9. The way your dad always says, "Aye, you've a bonney wee Afro, m'lad."
8. You think Kathie Lee's REAL children would have to turn out 200 blouses per hour?
7. Your dad: astronomy professor at M.I.T.
You: Almost starved to death when you got a cue ball stuck in your mouth.
6. Your family celebrates your graduation from high school by butcherin' a hog and tappin' the still.
5. Sober, monogamous, and a Kennedy? Hmmm...
4. Your dad, Mr. Hawking, shows little if any enthusiasm for your burgeoning career as a pro wrestler.
3. You bear an uncanny resemblance to the President of the United States, but hell, so do a lot of kids in Arkansas.
2. Your brothers, Alec, Billy, Daniel and Steven, also work in film, but you're the one who manages a Fotomat.
1. You: All-State linebacker Your father: President of Microsoft
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Jamee M. Warner on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Odd Side Effects of Hurricanes15> Anti-terrorist cruise missile blown off course "just happens" to land on Ken Starr.
14> Drop in barometric pressure causes unexpected Viagra failure and results in a sudden surge in Trans Am purchases.
13> In Florida, howling of winds drowns out howling from Kennedy Compound.
12> Same $100 million hurricane damage in the Carolinas only costs $23.89 dollars in Alabama.
11> Employees at the Olean factory have no problem with orders to evacuate immediately.
10> Pamela Anderson experiences whiplash as breasts fly in opposite directions.
9> Jesse Helms actually observed leaning slightly to the left.
8> South Carolinians can now projectile-vomit over 430 feet!
7> Drop in barometric pressure causes girl-scout cookies to swell so large that they're temporarily worth six bucks a box.
6> Inexplicable changes in Al Roker's magnetic field.
5> Sudden shortage of Springer guests, as incest and promiscuity take a back seat to gettin' the ol' trailer right-side up again.
4> Headlines with the word "blow", but no mention whatsoever of Monica.
3> Pre-storm rush allows supermarkets to finally get rid of old stock of Spam and Zima.
2> Earl the plywood salesman starts tippin' fives at the topless club.
1> White House interns get time off while the President drops his pants and lets nature take its course.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List ]
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Kaylee R on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Cochranisms for ...NOTE FROM CHRIS: Attorney Johnny Cochran, in his defense of O.J. Simpson, came up with the now-famous rhyme, "If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit."
12. If your hair has a smell, it must be that gel.
11. If the coach is a dope, he ought to be choked.
10. If the kids are all crotchety, they must have Tamagachi.
9. If she's loose at the lip, she must be a Tripp.
8. If the Cowboys pay cash, then Irvin didn't slash.
7. If it was written by Carlin, clean your disk out by mornin'.
6. If the talk show stars Magic, it's going to be tragic.
5. If you eat that Olean, your pants won't stay clean.
4. The man's no criminal, if the stain isn't seminal.
3. If your tummy needs Beano, place the blame on El Nino.
2. Only *four* worthless tarts, after Ginger departs.
1. If George Michael's in the stall, better pee in the hall.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List ]
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by bruny on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Mafia Valentine's Day Greetings15. My love for you... it came and went. So your feet are now in wet cement.
14. I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
13. Lie down with me -- it's my final offa, Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
12. I picked up this card from a slim selection But that's all they offer here in witness protection. Love, J. Doe
11. I've waited so long for you to be mine. Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine.
10. Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.
9. Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass; So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.
8. Violets are blue, roses are red, I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?
7. The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!
6. Hey.
5. Youse da greatest. Youse da best. But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.
4. Lust is fleeting, true love lingers. Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.
3. Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.
2. Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand So I won't be a self-made man.
1. When a goon makes you die, Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List ]
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Samantha Taraboletti on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Additional Foreign Translations of English Movie Titles12. "The Waterboy" -- "Water Torture, American Style"
11. "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer" -- "Fear Makes Young Women's Breasts Move Up and Down"
10. "Chasing Amy" -- "Boy Gets Girl, Boy Loses Girl, Girl Gets Girl, Girl Loses Girl, Boy Gets Girl Back"
9. "Titanic" -- "Ship Outta Luck"
8. "Scream" -- "Stop Stabbing Me!" "Scream 2" -- "Stop Stabbing Me Again, Dammit!"
7. "Armageddon" -- "Giant Testosterone Ball Crashes to Earth"
6. "Something About Mary" -- "If She Likes the Hair Gel, Wait Till She Sees the Body Lotion!"
5. "Babe: Pig in the City" -- "The Happy Dumpling To Be Who Made Complete Friggin' Idiots Out of The NY Times and ABC News"
4. "Mask of Zorro" -- "My Long Hard Blade Can Help Many Women"
3. "You've Got Mail" -- "I've Put You Out of Business, Now Sleep With Me, Woman!"
2. "Die Hard" -- "Foolish American Overdoses on Viagra"
1. "Patch Adams" -- "Laugh At My Antics Before You Die, Sick Idiots!"
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List ]
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Brock A. Simpson on 14-Aug-2005 | You are 25 to 35 if...If you aren't in this age bracket, then you can at least laugh at those of us who are...................
You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.
You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and German.
You're starting to believe that maybe having kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
You did the LeFreak with Chic.
"All-skate, change directions" means something to you.
In high school you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.
You wore anything Izod, especially collar up, or the windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around you waist.
You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were really cool.
You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, Rick Springfield or Cyndi Lauper video.
You actually know who Rick Springfield is.
You rode in the back of the station wagon and faced the cars behind you in the "tail gunner" position.
Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you were educated.
You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
You had a poster of Bo, Luke or Daisy Duke.
There was nothing to question about Bert n' Ernie living together.
Knickers and leg warmers were cool.
You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar or you choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.
You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost.
The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.
You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.
You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding.
You know who shot J.R.
This rings a bell: "and my name is Charlie. They work for me."
You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.
You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "867-5309" to see if Jenny would answer.
You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.
You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.
Two words: feathered hair
Your jaw still aches from those "brick-sized" packages of Bazooka gum.
The phrase "Where's the beef" still cracks you up.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Leah Cu on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Changes in the New, Mature Madonna12. "Like a virgin?" Yeah, right. How 'bout "Like ten pounds off my lard ass?"
11. "Shanghai Surprise" now the name of her entry in the Pillsbury Bake-Off.
10. Stopped ordering unwanted pizzas to Janet Jackson's home.
9. Now only stalked by Danny from the Diaper Service.
8. Old book: "Sex" New book: "Tupperware"
7. Much easier for paparazzi to follow a mini-van going 16mph with a stuck turn signal.
6. When she appears on talk shows and swears like a construction worker, she now adds, "Pardon my f**kin' French."
5. Spends less time trying to defy critics, more time trying to defy gravity.
4. Hasn't yet slept with new personal trainer, Richard Simmons.
3. Out: Warren Beatty In: Ned Beatty
2. Wears new 18-Hour Underwire Cone Nursing Bra with Child Safety Caps.
1. The Christian Coalition has downgraded her from "Dangerous Slut" to "Has a Good Beat."
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List ]
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
