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| Posted by Darrick R. Adams on 14-Aug-2005 | If 99.9% Were Good Enough, then ...Two million documents will be lost by the IRS this year.
11,000 faulty rolls of 35mm film will be loaded this year.
22,000 checks will be deducted from the wrong bank accounts in the next 60 minutes
1,314 phone calls will be misplaced by telecommunication services every minute.
12 babies will be given to the wrong parents each day.
268,500 defective tires will be shipped this year.
14,208 defective PCs will be shipped this year.
103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly this year.
2,488,200 books will be shipped in the next 12 months with the wrong cover.
5,517,200 cases of soft drinks produced in the next 12 months will be flatter than a bad tire.
Two plane landings daily at O'Hare International Airport in Chicago will be unsafe.
3,065 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections.
18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled in the next hour.
291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly this year.
$9,690 will be spent today, tomorrow, next Thursday, and every day in the future on defective, often unsafe sporting equipment.
55 malfunctioning automatic teller machines will be installed in the next 12 months.
20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written in the next 12 months.
114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped this year.
$761,900 will be spent in the next 12 months on tapes and CDs that won't play.
107 incorrect medical procedures will be performed by the end of the day today.
315 entries in Webster's Third New International Dictionary of the English Language will turn out to be misspelled.
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| Posted by aaaaa a. aaaaaaaaa on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Least Popular Candy Heart Sayings13. STD FREE
12. UR A WEASEL
11. BE OURS
10. SOY BOMB
9. TONGUE ME
8. BE MY INTERN
7. LOVE?? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, "LOVE"? I SPEND 12 HOURS A DAY CARVING THESE STUPID SAYINGS ON THESE STUPID HEARTS AND YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT LOVE?!?
6. HAIRY CHEST
5. I STALK U
4. ASS FLAVORED!
3. GOT CRABS?
2. R THOSE REAL?
1. VIAGRA 100MG
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List ]
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| Posted by JonHui666 on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Surprise Oscar Nominations13. Best Supporting Performance -- (TIE) Catherine Zeta Jones's bra in "The Mask of Zorro" and Salma Hayek's bra in "54"
12. Dan Quayle Continuing-Butt-Of-The-Joke Award -- Pauly Shore
11. Best Use of a "Beard" -- Tom Cruise
10. Best Endorsement of Button-Fly Jeans -- Ben Stiller, "There's Something About Mary"
9. Best Attempt to Convince the Public That *Anyone* Actually Watches MSNBC -- "Deep Impact"
8. Excessive Perkiness Most Likely to Cause Diabetes -- Meg Ryan
7. Best Exaggerated Use of Abundant Cleavage -- Jennifer Love Hewitt
6. Special Texas Chainsaw Massacre Memorial Award for Special Effects -- "Saving Private Ryan"
5. Best Ongoing Celebrity Scam -- The accountants from Price-Waterhouse are sad to report that they cannot reveal the winner in this category due to an injunction from the Church of Scientology.
4. Most Improved Appearance When Depicted as a Cartoon Insect -- Woody Allen
3. Best Performance by a Sharpei -- Walter Mathau
2. Most Successful Combination of Male Nightmares in a Movie Title -- "Shakespeare in Love"
1. Best Product Placement -- America Online in "You've Got Mail"
Best Product, um, Placement -- Ben Stiller's goo in "There's Something About Mary"
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List ]
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| Posted by Jon R. Markman on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number
9.) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th Century looking for a whale.
5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T. J. Hooker and Captain Kirk.
4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
3) You have no life.
2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.
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| Posted by Kate Sugar Gal on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs You Might Need a New Roommate10.. Has posters of creepy Newsweek covers with "Doe" and "Lewinsky" over his/her bed...
9. Sings the ending to the Flintstones as "an all gay time..."
8 .. Mumbles incoherently to a now green piece of cheddar cheese.
7 .. Frequently looks down at crotch and argues "Lipid, SOLID, Lipid, SOLID...".
6.. His/her toothbrush has tried to make a "run for it".
5.. Claims he had an affair with Bill Clinton and has never left his home state of Montana.
4.. Bought a cage for the dustbunnies and keeps food and water in it for them.
3.. Is the sole attendee for a 12 step program no-one has ever heard of.
2.. Glows when sleeping.
1.. Believes that "up" is relative to the rotation of his home planet.
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| Posted by Rosanna h. Young on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Hard to Find Scavenger Hunt Items13. A dry cleaning ticket from Monica Lewinsky
12. An intersection without a Starbucks
11. A stale Twinkie
10. A Girl Scout leader with a sense of humor
9. A gram of gray matter or a shred of dignity from Washington, DC
8. A 2-liter bottle of Bismuth 209
7. The name and address of that Las Vegas "hostess" who ran off with my wallet whilst I was asleep
6. Joe Piscopo's career
5. A million dollars in small, unmarked bills
4. A Windex sandwich
3. A Radio Shack employee who attended college
2. A volume from Posh Spice's Nietzsche library
1. Osama bin Laden's "Girls of the Arabian Peninsula" exercise video
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| Posted by Eric Willis on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Rejected TV Cowboy Names13. Petticoat Marv
12. Heidi Ho: Frontier Flatbacker
11. Diarrhea Dan - The Fastest Shot In The West
10. "Tin Man" Starr: U.S. Marshall and his sidekick, Clint N. Stain
9. "Three-Legged" Dirk
8. Three-Fingered, make that "Two-Fingered", well, wait a minute now.... ah, hell -- The Leprosy Kid
7. Nurturing Smith and His Trusty Sidekick, Cherish
6. Gene-DMC, the Rappin' Cowboy
5. Richard Van Deibel, Cowboy Massage Therapist
4. Ole' Dirty Cowpoke
3. Bat Masturbationson
2. Cowboy Spice
1. "Pedophile Bob" and His Singin' Pocket 'O Jerky
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List ]
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| Posted by Kevin M. Pinto on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Drawbacks of a Long-Distance Relationship14. You have to start faking orgasms just to keep the phone bill down.
13. Disconcerting to hear a stranger breathlessly answer the phone while "Love the One You're With" plays in the background.
12. Every time you hang up, you know she's *69ing someone.
11. Established pattern: Meet in airport, spend two days in custody for public lewdness.
10. Now that AT&T has placed an account executive in your apartment, you're constantly being chided for "holding back" when expressing your feelings.
9. Awfully hard to storm out when you need him to drive you to the airport.
8. You need an alarm clock without his "morning appendage" poking you in the back at 6AM.
6. It doesn't matter who visits whom, *someone* is violating their parole.
5. That "You hang up first," "No, YOU hang up first" crap is really only funny the first two or three hundred times.
4. No matter how much Viagra you take, the distance is still too damn far.
3. FedEx's drug-sniffing dogs, apparently unable to distinguish panties from cocaine, keep freaking over your Letter-Paks.
2. That awkward moment when she faxes you home to meet Mom and Dad.
1. All of the carpal, none of the tunnel.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Al Coholic on 14-Aug-2005 | Ways to Tell if You're Stuck in the 80's1. your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in the banister
2. you relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose" soundtrack
3. you think the Two Coreys are "totally awesome"
4. you're still bitter that Wham! broke up
5. Punky Brewster is your hero
6. you type all of your term papers on a Commodore 64
7. you still resent your parents for not installing a dumbwaiter in your house like Webster's
8. the only video games you play are Frogger and Pac Man
9. you're building your own Clockwork Smurf
10. your summer attire is Jellies and Jams
11. A-Ha's "Take on Me" is still your favorite video
12. you consider yourself truly, truly, truly outrageous, much like Jem and the Holograms
13. you wonder why more people don't wear high heels, Jordache jeans, and lacy ankle socks
14. you call all motorcycle cops "Ponch"
15. every time you go to the beach you look for Snorks
16. you're still upset Madonna and Sean broke up
17. you know who Stinky Sullivan is
18. you work out with "Get in Shape Girl"
19. you want to be Molly Ringwald when you grow up
20. you enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night
21. you know who Loverboy is
22. you think there should be a Kids Incorporated original cast reunion
23. you think of Janet Jackson as "that girl who used to date Willis"
24. you can sing the theme song to Small Wonder
25. every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell "Fame !"
26. you still have a shoe box full of Garbage Pail Kid cards
27. you write your congressman asking him to introduce a bill to make "Born in the USA" the national anthem
28. you still use your Snoopy Sno-Cone machine
29. you know it's not "comma, comma, comma" it's karma
30. you stay up nights wondering what Bastian's mother's name was in "The Neverending Story"
31. you have nightmares about the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak
32. you still practice your Care Bear Stare
33. you know that girls just wanna have fuh-un
34. you can name all The Wuzzles
35. you harbor a secret dream of being slimed by Alistair
36. you can do the Safety Dance
37. in your spare time you are writing "The Breakfast Club 2"
38. you like to "connect the dots, la la la la!"
39. someone mentions Jennifer Beals and you don't say "Who?"
40. your prized possession is a collection of "Return of the Jedi" Shrinky Dinks
41. you know whose number is 867-5309
42. you get depressed thinking about Anthony Michael Hall's career
43. you're starting a write-in campaign to MTV to bring back Remote Control
44. you drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to
45. you consider Jo vs. Blair the major philosophical conflict of the 20th century
46. you have a duck phone and ride around your house on a little train
47. you want to be one of the Solid Gold Dancers
48. you still watch things on Beta
49. you want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand
50. you know that "Weird Science" was a movie before a TV show
51. your favorite proverb is "some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on"
52. you always waited for the Sweet Pickles Bus to visit your house
53. your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos
54. you saw the New Kids on the Block when they were Tiffany's opening act
55. you liked Tom Hanks better when he was a crossdresser
56. you know which Hollywood Square Jim J Bullock was in
57. you practice getting in and out of your car through the windows
58. you have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts
59. you're still wondering who really was the boss
60. you know what the "P" in "Alex P. Keaton" stands for
61. you keep asking your teachers if instead of the quiz you can take the physical challenge
62. you organize weekend tournaments of TV tag
63. you still drink New Coke 64. when you watch "Terminator 2" you wonder where Vincent is
65. you know ALF's real name
66. you never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue eye shadow and feathered bangs
67. you can name all of the Thundercats
68. you got a hankerin' for a hunk of cheese
69. everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent
70. your musical inspiration is Sonny Mann
71. sometimes you just want to shout, shout, let it all out
72. you're planning a dream vacation to Mepos
73. you use your Speak and Spell to phone home
74. you know the original members of Menudo
75. sometimes out of the blue you just got to shake your love
76. when you're stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage Turbo Boost and are surprised when it doesn't talk back
77. you remember when Vanessa sang Kareoke to "Locomotion"
78. you know that Mr. Steele functions best in an advisory capacity.
79. people are constantly gagging you with spoons
80. your idea of appreciating ancient cultures is "Walk Like an Egyptian"
81. the only thing you know about the Nazis is that they threw Indy to the snakes
82. you still use your hair crimper before going out on a hot date
83. you hatch plots to break Murdock out of VA hospital
84. you know which five people Serpentor's DNA came from
85. you have "We Are the World" on 45
86. you're still sending death threats to Mr. Rubik
87. you can feel St. Elmo's fire burnin' in you
88. you watch NYPD Blue thinking, "Well, they're no Crockett and Tubbs, that's for sure"
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| Posted by Matt G on 14-Aug-2005 | How to Be AnnoyingAdjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Drum on every available surface.
Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt..fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Set alarms for random times.
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.
When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Drive half a block.
Name your dog "Dog."
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder" and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
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