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| Posted by Jocky on 09-Aug-2005 | How to be annoying*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show that they're "hip" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RDFM").
*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!
*When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism," do it again. Continue until they go away.
*Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like "Thanks."
*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.
*cc: all your E-mail to (vice.president@whitehouse.gov ) so that he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway Internet.
*Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.
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| Posted by nikki bosgra on 09-Aug-2005 | my dadTwo small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?"
asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"
asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?"
asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
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| Posted by Wesley Allen on 09-Aug-2005 | 5 Kinds Of Sex1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honey-moon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
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| Posted by Wallee on 09-Aug-2005 | Baseball Heaven?There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
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| Posted by i-HaVe PmS on 09-Aug-2005 | Lawyer and DrunkA lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.
The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.
"Well" said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
"Let me have it" said the lawyer.
Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes" he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
"From my nose" the drunk replied.
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| Posted by Jo Smith on 09-Aug-2005 | Island FeverFrom a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that man... and why is he so upset?" a passenger asks the ship's captain.
"I have no idea," says the captain, "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."
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| Posted by Jane F. Pane on 09-Aug-2005 | Annoying Boy on BusA little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
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| Posted by Abbey J. Heier on 09-Aug-2005 | Life Insurance SalesPrivate Jones was assigned to the army induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the lieutenant stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which recruits do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
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| Posted by Wasabi angel on 09-Aug-2005 | One Hole BehindA man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.
While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.
She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell"?
She replied, "if I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."
With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said "see I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
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| Posted by Xandi on 09-Aug-2005 | Funniest One LinersDepression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
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