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| Posted by Ben J. Schroeder on 14-Aug-2005 | You Might Be a College Student If...1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen
2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping.
7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic
Cups (i.e. Olympic Dream Team I or II).
8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up
(one trip).
11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.
12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce
yourself.
13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.
14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't
15. If you go to Walmart more than 3 times a week.
16. If you eat at the cafeteria because it's "free", even though it sucks.
17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy.
18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class.
19. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them.
20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class.
21. If your social life consists of a date with the library.
22. If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap.
23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room.
24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's
all you have.
25. If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit
to class.
26. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn.
27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter.
28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over.
29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women.
(whichever your preference)
30. If you have built up a tolerence for certain beverages.(he he he)
31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself.
32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis.
33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room.
34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen
Noodles.
35. If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo.
36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes.
37. If you get more e-mail than mail......
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| Posted by kornyhiv ripper on 14-Aug-2005 | Life HappensThe children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer, or that's
Michael; he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher; she's dead."
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| Posted by skitzo frenic on 14-Aug-2005 | Buy your gradeA professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He
handed out all the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once
the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The
professor noticed one of his students had attached a $100 bill
to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point." The next
class the professor handed the tests back out. The student got
back his test and the $64 change.
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| Posted by Guylaine Castro on 14-Aug-2005 | Do Anything To Pass ExamA student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances
down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly, "I would do
anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully
into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would
do...anything!!!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "Yes,... Anything!" His voice
turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
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| Posted by Philip Hadfield on 14-Aug-2005 | How Johnny Learned His NumbersThe teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said.
"I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after
ten?"
"A jack," says the kid.
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| Posted by Sexy_Baby on 14-Aug-2005 | Life SaverA teacher liked to play guessing games with her students to
enhance some of their senses. One day she blindfolded several
children and handed each of them a cherry lifesaver.
"Ok, who can tell me what the flavor is?" she asked.
Susie yelled "Me, me, me!", waving her arm in the air.
"Ok, Susie, go ahead." said the teacher.
"It's cherry!" Susie said proudly.
"That's right, very good, Susie." the teacher replied.
Next the teacher passed out orange flavored lifesavers, and
asked again who could tell her the flavor.
Billy waved his arm and said "I can! I can!"
Billy correctly identified the flavor, and the teacher passed
out another lifesaver to each child.
This time she had them stumped. She had found an unusual honey
flavored lifesaver and decided to see if anyone could guess it.
"Can anyone guess the flavor of this lifesaver?"
When nobody answered after a couple of minutes, she said "Ok,
class, I will give you a hint....it's what your mommy calls your
daddy."
This time Lil JOhnny jumped up and yelled, "Everybody! Quick,
spit it out! It's an asshole!"
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| Posted by Faz on 14-Aug-2005 | Explaining sexA little boy and his father were walking through a field when
the came across two dogs doing the nasty. The boy, very curious
about what was happening, turned to his father and asked him
what they were doing. The father, trying to make his answer as
subtle as possible replied, "They are making puppies."
Later that night the little boy awoke from his sleep and wanted
a drink of water. He walked over to his parents room and caught
them screwing. The boy, not knowing what was happening, asked
his father what they were doing. The father replied, "We are
making you a little brother." To this the boy said, "Turn mom
over, I'd rather have a puppy!"
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| Posted by Peter B. Wilson on 14-Aug-2005 | What My Mom Taught MeMy Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and
break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your
eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your
spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think
that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you
thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat
your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your
father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were
born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to
be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your
father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it
when we get home."
and the all time favorite thing--JUSTICE "One day you will have
kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see
what it's like."
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| Posted by Jonathan D. Oneand on 14-Aug-2005 | Rejected Childrens Book Titles1. Some Kittens Can Fly
2. That's It, I'm Putting You up For Adoption
3. Grandpa Gets a Casket
4. The Magic World Inside An Abandoned Refrigerator
5. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
6. The Popup Book Of Human Anatomy
7. Strangers Have The Best Candy
8. Whining, Crying, And Kicking To Get Your Way
9. You Were An Accident
10. Things Rich Kids Have But you Never Will
11. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and your School
12. Places Where Mommy And Daddy Hide Neat Things
13. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
14. You Are Different And That's Bad
15. The Boy Who Died From Eating All Of His Vegetables
16. Dads New Wife Robert
17. Fun Four Letter Words To Know And Share
18. Hammers, Screwdrivers And Scissors: An I Can Do It All Book
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| Posted by Polly Esther Fabrique on 14-Aug-2005 | Michigan JokesIt is Michigan week...here we go...
A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan
cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read "Here lies a
Michigan graduate and an honest man." The little boy asked,
"Mommy, why did they bury 2 people in there?"
Coach Lloyd Carr is only dressing 10 players for the Michigan
game against Ohio State. The rest of the team will get dressed
by themselves.
Q: How do you get a Michigan cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.
Q: Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games?
A: The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
Q: What are the longest 3 years of a Michigan football player's
life?
A: His freshman year.
Q: Why did Michigan replace the stadium grass with Astroturf?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during games.
Q: How do you get a Michigan graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza
Q: What does the average University of Michigan football player
get on his S.A.T.?
A: Drool.
Q: Why are there no Nativity scenes on the Michigan University
campus at Christmas?
A: Because they can't find three wise men and a virgin.
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