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| Posted by vanessa m. montes on 08-Aug-2005 | Potential RealityA boy came home from school one day. His father asked him how his day was and the boy said, "Well Dad, I looked stupid because I did not know the difference between potential and reality."
His dad says, "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with our next door neighbor for a million dollars."
He came back with a shocked look on his face and said, "Dad, she said, 'Yes!".
"OK son, now go and ask your sister the same question."
A few minutes later he came back, shocked again. "Dad, she said, 'Yes!' also!"
His dad told him, "There you go."
His son looked at him, puzzled. "Dad I still don't understand."
"Look son, POTENTIALLY we are multi-millionaires, but in REALITY we are dead broke and living with a couple of whores."
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| Posted by Eissirk on 09-Aug-2005 | Fun things to do on the first day of classThis is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
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| Posted by Lori M. C on 10-Aug-2005 | WAYS TO GET THROWN OUT OF CHEMISTRY LAB* Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the
sound to others.
* Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny
to you?"
* Consistently write three atoms of potassium as 'KKK.'
* Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."
* When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
* Deny the existence of chemicals.
* Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the
way he/she says it.
* Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker. Especially
effective for female students.
* Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour
the sulfuric acid.
* Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in
federal buildings.
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| Posted by grayson on 10-Aug-2005 | TWO AUBURN GRADSTwo Auburn grads had bought a couple of horses that they used to make some
money during the summer. But when winter came, they found that it cost too much
to board them. So they turned the horses loose in a pasture where there was
plenty to eat. "How will we tell yours from mine when we pick them up?" the
first Auburn guy asked.
"Easy," replied the second. "We'll cut the mane off my horse and the tail off
yours."
By spring, the mane and tail had grown back to normal length. "Now what
are we going to do?" asked the first.
The second replied, "Well, why don't you just take the black one and I'll take
the white one."
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| Posted by Troy Bynoe on 11-Aug-2005 | New PrincipalAs a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely ..... "We trust them with the children, don't we?"
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| Posted by Dennis Oberholtzer on 11-Aug-2005 | The Worst AnalogiesHe spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
(Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
(Unknown)
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
(Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
(Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
(Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
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| Posted by Katie Waszczak on 13-Aug-2005 | Cucumber, Pickle & PenisOne day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.
The Pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.
The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they slice me up and put me in a salad.
The Penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet, dark, smelly room, and force me to do push-ups until I puke and pass out!
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| Posted by Nick Myster on 11-Aug-2005 | 25 Differences Between College And High School25 Differences Between College And High School
In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder. In college, on both.
In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide.
In college, there are no tardy slips.
In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.
In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.)
In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose. That is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.
In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.
In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration. In college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.
In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.
In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down.
In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.
In college, weekends start on Thursday.
In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.
Once you've obtained the information described in #16, it's much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."
In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.
In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
College men are cuter than high school boys (or college woman are developed).
College women are legal.
In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need a note from your parents saying you were skip....uh, sick that day.
In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.
In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.
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| Posted by SwiM4LifE on 11-Aug-2005 | First Day of Fifth GradeIt's the first day of fifth grade, and the teacher is asking each student a question.
"What was the best part about your summer?" she asks one boy sitting in the front row.
"I went to visit my nanna," he replies.
"It's fifth grade now, so we'll expect you to use the adult word, 'grandma,' okay?" says the teacher. The boy nods.
Next the teacher asks a little girl sitting in the third row. "What is your favorite food?"
The girl replies, "I like peppermint gummy goodies."
"Now, now, remember that this is fifth grade," says the teacher. "Try to use the adult word, okay?" The girl nods.
The teacher then turns to little boy sitting in the corner of the room. "Do you like to read?" she asks.
"Yes, ma'am," he replies.
"Good! Do you have a favorite book? Remember, use the adult word!"
The boy thinks for a moment, then says, "Yes, Winnie-the-Shit."
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