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| Posted by Jeanna M. Garloch on 14-Aug-2005 | Things To Do to kill timeFind a cure for AID's, tell no one.
Build a giant eraser by scraping pencil erasers into a shoe box.
count all of the hairs on your body.
calcutate the amount of inches from where you are to the moon,
once finished, do the same for every planet in the solar system.
construct the statue of liberty, with toothpicks.
dig a hole that you can bury a car in, using a spoon.
try gaining weight, by eating celery
Do you whole classes math homework
watch every movie ever made, in one sitting.
learn every foriegn language
ask your grandparents about their life. (try to act interested)
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| Posted by Lauren L on 09-Aug-2005 | Old timersThree old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
One 70-year-old says, 'I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me 20 minutes to pee.'
An 80-year-old says, 'My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.'
The 90-year-old says, 'At seven I pee like a horse. At eight I crap like a cow'
'So what's your problem?' asked the others.
'I don't wake up until nine.'
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| Posted by Ratty2608 on 13-Aug-2005 | Saham HusaneGood News:
Sadham Husane is getting his death penalty.
Bad News:
David Beckham is taking it.
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| Posted by Dave Mcdonald on 12-Aug-2005 | Zen Quotes1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
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| Posted by cory a. HOGAN on 14-Aug-2005 | doctorA doctor was delivering a baby and when the baby comes out he
drops it on the ground. The mother says what in the hell are you
doing? He then picks up the baby and throws it againts the wall.
He runs acrost the room and picks it up and drop kicks it. Then
finally he picks it up by the legs and spikes it on its head.
The whole time the mother is going ape shit saying what the hell
are you doing to my baby boy? Oh, the doctor says, dont worry it
was already dead.
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| Posted by jeff on 14-Aug-2005 | The Fairy GodmotherA wife and her husband had been married for 40 years happily.
And also celbrated their sixty birthdays together. As it was
their celebration on their wdding anniversary a fairy godmother
appeared. "Since you two have not fought once through out the
whole time and loved each other faithfully I will grant each of
you one wish." The woman and man were overjoyed. The woman was
first. The fairy godmother said to choose whatever was in her
heart. "I wish...I wish......I wish that me and my husband had
a romantic vacation in Los Vegas and Miami." Then "Poof" The
tickets and passports and money were in her hand. The husband
sughed. :Pick whatever is in your heart, or in your dreams."
The fairy godmother said. The man grinned and said, "I know
what I wish for...I wish I had wife 30 years younger." And
poof. The man was 90 years old. (Don't you love fairy
godmothers?)
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| Posted by soccerlegs on 09-Aug-2005 | 3 ConvictsThree convicts are on their way to prison.
They were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turns to another and asks, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulls out a box of paints and states that he intends to paint anything he can get his hands on.
"I’ll be the Grandma Moses of jail," he says, before asking the first, "So, what did you bring?"
The first convict pulls out a deck of cards, grins, and says, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict, seeing what was going on, began to smile to himself.
The others, taking notice, ask him, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulls out a box of tampons and smiles. "I brought these," he says.
Puzzled by his choice, the other two ask, "What can you do with those?"
Grinning, he points to the package and says, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating. . . ."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Scot jokes on 13-Aug-2005 | Cannibal islethree men were stranded on an island and found a tribe of cannibals and the chief hits them with a club. they wake up to find that they have been tied up and the chief says that they can live only if they can find 10 pieces of the same fruit and shove it up their ass with no expression on their face. this will be easy they all said.2 hours later the first man comes back with straberries 1 2 3 4 5 and on the 6th one he burst out in pain so he was eaten the next man comes with huckle berries easy he thinks 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 and on the 10th one he bursts out in lauhter so he was eaten later they meet up in heaven and the 1st man asks why he laughed and he said i couldnt help it i saw the next man coming with coconuts.
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| Posted by Tara Foley on 09-Aug-2005 | Star SignsHow many members of your astrological sign does it take to Change A Light Bulb?
Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?
Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.
Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?
Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?
Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...
Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
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| Posted by Jesse Jesse on 14-Aug-2005 | PoisonDid you know that mayonnaise is one ingredient away from being
poison?
What is the ingredient, you may ask?
Poison.
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