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| Posted by Rita R. Mccarty on 10-Aug-2005 | Pillsbury Doughboy ObituaryVeteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast
infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid
gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral
ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs.
Butter worth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker,
the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as
longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing fresh as a man who
"never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many
turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough
on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who puttered him up. Still, even as a
crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. His second wife survives
fresh. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held
at 350 for about 20 minutes.
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| Posted by CHEQUITA on 10-Aug-2005 | An Egyptian man is walking...An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up
to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, 20?"
"No, not worth it!"
"How about 10?"
"No, not worth it!"
"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth
it?"
"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."
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| Posted by ethan on 10-Aug-2005 | ''I'm Stupid'' SignsStupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way
you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would
be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there
was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you
moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many
boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat
into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the
dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope — talked 'em into giving up.
Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a
guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright
Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into
this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all
right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks
at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire goes flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I
was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's
your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house
and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house; he gets
out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's
hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I
misjudged the height of a bridge? The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out
no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up
to take the report. He went through his basic questioning.ok.no problem. I
thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So. Is your truck
stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then
back to him and said "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."
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| Posted by Becca A. Stewart on 10-Aug-2005 | Southern Hospitality--Airplane StyleTwo ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the
other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So
where y'all from?"
The Yankee turned her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replied, "I am
from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition."
Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the
Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where y'all from,
bitch?"
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| Posted by Joe R. Blow on 10-Aug-2005 | The Living Statuesin a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. these two
statues faced each other for many years.
early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "since the
two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many
people, i am giving you your greatest wish. i hereby give you the gift of life.
you have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." and with that command, the
statues came to life.
the two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove
behind a couple of bushes. the angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two
statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
after fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and
smiling.
puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "you
still have fifteen minutes. would you like to continue?"
the male statue looked at the female and asked, "do you want to do it again?"
smiling, the female statue said, "sure. but this time you hold the pigeon down
and i'll s*** on it's head!"
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| Posted by Joe B. Bob on 10-Aug-2005 | Santa Throws Tantrum, Starts TraditionSanta was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs.
Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting
paid for the overtime they had worked while making the toys and were threatening
to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead
drunk. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out
for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of
presents all over the world in just a few hours -- all of my reindeer are drunk,
the elves are walking out and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that
stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet!
What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the
snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angle said, "Yo, fat man! Where do
you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass....
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| Posted by Ursula -. Rickmann on 10-Aug-2005 | Baked beans and their delightful tuneOnce upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively
reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent
that they would marry, he thought to him, "She'll never go for me carrying on
like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked
beans, and shortly after, that they got married.
It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car
broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told
her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small
cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had
several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he
got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings
of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and
'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She
put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and
made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one
coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.
She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to
answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one
leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a
hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He
had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg
and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse.
To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would
dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge
coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real
blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a
minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping
his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten
minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his
wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he
neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling
contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner.
After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for his surprise birthday party.
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| Posted by Lola Green on 10-Aug-2005 | A Misuse of NASA TechnologyScientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the
windshields of airplanes, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at
maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions
with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun
was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood
shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof
shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped
the pilot's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin,
like a bolt shot from a crossbow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous
results of the experiment, along with the designs for the windshield, and begged
the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
... NASA responded with a one-line memo: “Thaw the chicken.”
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| Posted by Bryan J. Thibodeau on 10-Aug-2005 | Tickle These, ElmoA women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory.
The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets
he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and
will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says
he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The
woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and
that she should come in at 8am the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The
Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just
hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly
line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from
here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She
has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of
marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and take 2 marbles
and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20
minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new
employee and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I
wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
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| Posted by Samantha kicks arse on 10-Aug-2005 | Lack of Vision70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back
with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and
do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's
fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom
(poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when
I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said,
"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in
awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night
and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes
off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"
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