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| Posted by Whit on 13-Aug-2005 | A bunch of men in a jail house go to see a...A bunch of men in a jail house go to see a conciler together.When they got in the room they were to stand up,tell their name,and repeat what they were in for.
The first man stood up.He said," My name is Albert and Im in for killing 22 people."The second stood up and followed suit.This went around the room until they reached the last man.
Slowly he stood up and whispered,"My name is M-M-M-Marvin."The conciler asked him what he was in for."Raping dogs,"he said bashfully.
"How low can you get?!" someone shouted.
"Chiwalas,"replied Marvin.
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| Posted by Michael Murphy on 12-Aug-2005 | Naughty Emicons!We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :o) and :o( respectively. Well, how about some "assicons"?
Here's a few:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_^^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^^o_) a wise ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
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| Posted by Scott D. Willson on 14-Aug-2005 | No CodA man went into a fish shop and said
"Can I have some cod please?"
The shop owner replied,
"We dont have any cod"
So the man said ok then asked,
"Can I have some cod?"
The chippy owner told him again that there was no cod. So the
man said,
"OK... can I have some cod?"
At this the chip shop owner got really pissed off and said,
"Look mate we have no cod C-O-F-D, cod" the bloke said,
"But the is no F in cod."
And the chippy owner said,
"Thats what I've been trying to tell you!!!"
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| Posted by Peter Schmitt on 09-Aug-2005 | Corny Pickup LinesMan: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
~~~
Man: Hey come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.
Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!
~~~
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
~~~
Man: Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
~~~
Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.
~~~
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine!
~~~
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman:Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
~~~
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
~~~
Man: Oh! baby are you hurt?"
Woman: No, Why?"
Man: "It's a long fall from Heaven."
~~~
Man: If I could redo the alphabet, I would put U and I right beside each other!
~~~
Woman: You look just like my third husband."
Man: Oh, really? How many times have you been married?
Woman: Twice.
~~~
Man: Are you from Tennessee?
Woman: No. Why?
Man: Because you are the only ten I see!
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| Posted by unknow on 04-Oct-2005 | blonedBlond (B1) is walking in the forest and comes to a lake. She wants to cross the lake so she looks around ans see another blond (B2) on the other side so the B1 goes:
Hey, how do I get to the other side?
B2 You are on the other side!
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| Posted by janet on 14-Aug-2005 | Mind your own business!Knock-knock
Who's There?
Scot
Scot who?
Scot nothing to do with you!
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| Posted by Rachel E. Winograd on 14-Aug-2005 | responsibility lectureThere was a family of 3 generations all living in separate
homes: The Father and mother [age 66 and 70]
The Oldest Son and his wife and two childeren [a son-15 and a
daughter-10]
&The youngest daughter and her husband and two children [a
daughter-12 and a son-8]
It was summer holidays for the children and the parents were all
working, so, just to let the kids play they decided to leave
them all at their grandparents [just a reminder aged 66 and 70]
for thursday and friday every week until they had stopped the
working year and gone on holidays.
The children knew that their grandparents were over protective,
and also liked to chat a lot. So when the first day came, they
sat themselves down on the couch to watch some TV.
"NO NO NO! you cant just sit in front of the TV all day, you
have to go outside FIRST just for a little bit." lectured the
grandmother.
the grandfather had left just a few minutes earlier and wouldnt
have objected to TV, it was peace and quiet for him.
So the kids went outside to find something to do. Andrew, the
oldest son of the oldest son, was bored and didnt want to play
anything, so he sat down and read a book. The other 3 had a
water fight with water pistols and water bombs and everything!
When the grandmother came out, she cracked a fit and let them
all watch TV.
Just a few minutes later, the grandmother returned and said to
Andrew, the oldest,
"Now Andrew, you've got 3 children in your hands now!"
"oh Gosh!" exclaims Andrew.
"Because im going out and you HAVE to be responsible!"
"Yeah whatever"
"WHATEVER!??!?!?! its not just WHATEVER, its 3 children, YOU
have to be responsible for them, you're nearly 16!"
"and ill be driving soon, away, FAR away."
"You should learn to be responsible!"
any way this continues for about another hour and finally when
the grandmother is satisfyed that Andrew will be responsible,
she ends it:
"fine, im going now."
"Grandma, where are you going?"asks the youngest one.
"To the letter box, to check the mail."
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| Posted by Joe Collins on 14-Aug-2005 | The Notorious HeaddresserTwo ladies were waiting for a bus.One was a red head and the
other was a blonde. The red head really admired the blonde's
hairstyle and asked " Who did your hair, it looks spectacular!"
The blonde smiled as she responded " His name Lou but everybody
calls him 'Headz'. Getting my hair done by him was a jaw
dropping experience." Interested, the red head got Lou's number
from the blonde, so she can have such an extravagant hair
design. She set's an appointment for tuesday, because that was
the day she was going to visit her mom.
When she found Lou's shop , it was in a quiet, discreet area.
She walked in the shop and noticed that there was no chairs. As
she stands at the door, a handsome man comes out of the corner
on the other side of the shop. The red head says "Hello, my
names Sianne and I'm here for an appointment" The man points to
a blue sitting pillow and tells her sit on her knees. Excited,
Sianne sits down on her knees, and waits to be serviced. The man
grabs a pair of scissors. He stands in front of her with his
private in front of her face.
He gets a boner, it pops out of his pants and immediately into
her mouth. He goes through a spasmic orgasm and starts cutting
her hair. When she manages to get his dick out her throat,
before she could get up, he cums all over her hair.
After that, Sianne rises up off of the pillow, and runs out of
the door with her mouth wide open. Lou, follows his client,
watches her throw up the cum all over the sidewalk and hands her
a mirror. When she looked, her jaw surely did drop.,
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| Posted by Does it matter??? on 14-Aug-2005 | Think you know everything?Now you can know everything! just read...
*Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
*Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
*There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
*The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
*A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
*There are more chickens than people in the world.
*Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
*The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
screeched."
*On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament building is an American flag.
*All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on
4:20.
*No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver, or purple.
*"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters
"mt".
*All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln
*Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
*Almonds are a member of the peach family.
*Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
*Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
*There are only four words in the English language which end in
"dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
*Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina
de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
*A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
*An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
*Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
*In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10
*Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
*The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a
Wonderful Life."
*A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
*A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
*A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
*It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
*The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
*In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
*The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
*Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
*The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
*There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
*"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the
left hand.
...now you know everything
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| Posted by ryanjenkins on 14-Aug-2005 | Elderly DriversTwo elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could
barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The
stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be
losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and
the light was red again, and again they went right though.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that
the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it.
She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention
to the road, and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely
red and they went right through and she turned to the other
woman and said, "Mildred! Don't you know we just ran through
three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said "OH SHIT!!! Am I driving?"
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