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| Posted by mr piemanmoo on 08-Aug-2005 | Little Jane climbs a tree...Little Jane came home from school and said, "Mommy mommy guess what? These boys wanted me to climb up a tree, so I did."
Her mom said, "You don't be a' doin' that! Those boys just wanted to see your panties!"
"Ok mommy", little Jane said.
The next day at school, the boys asked her to do it again, so she did, and at the end of the day she told her mom and her mom said, "I told you not to be a doin' that! Those boys just wanted to look at your panties!"
Little Jane looked at her mother and said, "Don't worry, mommy. I was smart this time... I didn't wear any panties."
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| Posted by Sweet Laurita on 09-Aug-2005 | In the navy'Mummy, Mummy. I was at the playground and Daddy and...' Mummy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the stop, so Little Johnny tells her.
'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
`I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy'
At this point Mummy cut him off and says, Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and '... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.'
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| Posted by Jeremy Penner on 11-Aug-2005 | Baby Owner's ManualStay clear of the ejection port(s) both front and rear.
Beware of objects thrown from unit, both solid and liquid.
Please carry unit with care as handle placement is not optimum.
Use caution when dispensing fluids not to spill them on sensitive components of unit.
Do not drop unit as this may cause damage.
Do not submerge unit for extended periods of time.
Do not leave unit submerged while unattended as this may harm the unit.
Do not leave unit unattended in public places.
Do not expose unit to extreme temperatures.
Make sure to use proper approved restraints when transporting unit in a vehicle, i.e. no duct tape or string.
Make sure to fuel unit through proper opening.
Multiple units operating in close proximity may be hazardous to your health and mental well being.
Unit is delivered ???as is??? and may not be returned or exchanged. No warranty should be implied.
Software upgrades may be administered throughout the life of the unit.
Hardware upgrades may be applied later in the life of the unit, but are discouraged.
When unit malfunctions, a hard reboot may be performed by applying moderate force to the units rear panel. This will disrupt the unit??™s improper behavior but will not cause permanent harm to the unit. This may actually extend the life of the unit and ensure unit behaves as desired in later years. This practice should be performed as often as unit malfunctions.
Unit may later exhibit desire to permanently mark or drill its case. This should be discouraged by the operator.
Unit may require periodic maintenance. The use of lubricants, disinfectants, powders, and other consumable supplies is encouraged to keep unit functioning.
Unit may suffer an air build up after fueling. To expel this air, gentle taps should be applied to unit??™s upper rear case until all air is expelled. Continuing to tap after expulsion of trapped air may result in sudden fuel expulsion.
Unit will periodically expel byproducts. As much as operator may wish to discuss the properties of these byproducts with others, the practice is discouraged.
Those desiring orders of multiple units should seek the care of a certified mental health professional.
Copyright Dan Kidder, 2004
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| Posted by Chrisa on 13-Aug-2005 | Blind FishQ: What do you call a fish without any eyes?
A: A fsh (take the "i" out of fish)
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| Posted by Kia on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 17 Other Teen Bumper Stickers
17> The Guy on My Fake ID Is an Honor Roll Student
16> Hwz My Drvg? Txt Me ;=)
15> I'd rather be downloading porn
14> I totally nailed your honor student daughter last weekend -- STILL proud?
13> WWJ.LoD?
12> American by Birth, Goth by the Grace of Lucifer
11> I watch "American Idol"... and I vote!
10> My Teen Is an Honor Student at the Betty Ford Clinic (Osbourne family only)
9> Honk If Your Piercing Infected Your Tattoo
8> How's my applying-eyeliner-while-balancing-the-wheel-with-my-elbows, talking-to-Felicity-McIntyre-on-my-cell-about-whether-ohmigod!-Jimmy-Anderson-really-likes-me?
7> If You Can See the Zits on My Forehead, You're Too Close
6> Do Not Tailgate -- Your Daughter May Be Under the Steering Wheel
5> They're called subwoofers, Gramps
4> White Suburban Teen Who Thinks He's an Inner-City Rapper on Board
3> Am I Hot or Not? Call 1-800-4 R KELLY
2> Objects in Driver's Sweater Are Larger Than They Appear
1> My Other Parents Let Me Drive Their Porsche
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by chris d. delis on 08-Aug-2005 | Bush FansThere's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Little Johnny.
The teacher asks Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Little Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"
Little Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan."
The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan, and Little Johnny says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if your Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot... what would that make you?"
Little Johnny says, "Well, that would make me a Bush fan."
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| Posted by Snow Man on 12-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs You're Becoming a TeenagerTop Ten Signs You're Becoming a Teenager
10) Like is, like, the most commonly used word in your vocabulary.
9) "Metal Mouth" and "Tinsel Teeth" have replaced your real name.
8) You fight with your hair every morning . . . and you lose!
7) Your parents have never heard of your favorite rock group.
6) Even your zits have zits!
5) It's not safe to say the word "mall" around you.
4) Let's just say . . . sometimes you don't smell too good.
3) You've gone from "A". . . to "B" . . . to "C" . . . cup!
2) If you have to speak in front of your class, you care more about what you're wearing than what you're going to say.
1) If someone at your house is PMSing, it's not always your mom!
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| Posted by Big Huka on 08-Aug-2005 | The Little LeprechanLitle Johnny was going to the bathroom at school. When he went to wipe his butt there was no toilet paper. So he wiped his butt with his hand and figured he could just wash his hands off. But the water wouldn't run and there was no paper towels. So he held his hand in a fist and walked back to the classroom. Then the teacher asked, "Johnny, what's in your hand?"
"A little leprechan and if I open my hand he'll get away."
"Johnny," the teacher said, "if you don't tell me what's in your hand you are going to be sent to the principal's office!"
Too embarrassed to open his hand, Jimmy elected to get sent to the princapal's office instead. The principal asked, "Johnny, what's in your hand?"
"A little leprechan and if I open my hand he'll get away."
"Johnny, if you don't tell me what's in your hand right now you will get sent home," said the principal.
So he got sent home and his dad asked, "Johnny, what's in your hand?"
"A little leprechan and if I open my hand he will get away"
"Johnny, either you tell me right now what's in your hand or I'll beat you and your imaginary leprechan..."
Little Johnny finally opened his hand and said, "Look dad... you scared the poop out of him!"
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| Posted by creamofsumdumguy on 09-Aug-2005 | 3 Little PigsMy friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night.
Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often adlibs parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his new entrants class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
She said, 'And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me, sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?"
Then the teacher asked the class, 'And what do you think that man said?'
And my friend's son raised his hand and said 'I know! I know. He said, "Holy shit! A talking pig!"'
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
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| Posted by coucool slim (moe dog) on 09-Aug-2005 | New BikeOn Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid,
'Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?'
The kid says, 'Yeah.'
The cop says, 'Well next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike.'
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off he says,
'By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?'
Humoring the kid, the cop says,
'Yeah, he sure did.'
The kid says, 'Well next year, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.'
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