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| Posted by The Almighty Gino on 13-Aug-2005 | You Know You've Had Too Much New Year's Cheer When....You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
You strike a match and light your nose.
You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
You tell everyone you have to go home...and the party's at your place.
You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
You yawn at the biggest bore in the room...and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.
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| Posted by mantis on 13-Aug-2005 | Christmas Recount
Ho Ho Ho,
"Hello out there all people of the world."
This is Santa and I just wanted to let you know that Christmas may be a little late this year. See after checking all the boxes and tallying them up, I found some problems with the results.
The first result showed:
428,534,120 Good
428,523,119 Bad
The second result showed:
428,534,118 Good
428,523,121 Bad
So you see, I can't, with good faith, go out and deliver presents while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe Little Johnny was good for once, then again, maybe not.
So, I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs. To help do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5pm on the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it might take longer. You see the tally cards were not quite clear to me, although I made them my-self, I forgot what they meant.
You know, Good...and Bad??? And the check marks I used were not all the same, some went left, some right, some were just a mark. some went through both boxes, and some didn't even have much of a mark on them. I leave it up to them to decide what I meant.
So if you wake up on Christmas morning, and there are no presents under your tree, at least you can tell the kids the story. Thank you for your patience and understanding in these times,
--Santa
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| Posted by Tiffany on 13-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid
10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are Styrofoam peanuts
6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
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| Posted by Justin D. Dickenson on 11-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Halloween Things10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
5. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,
2. You scared me stiff!
1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
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| Posted by Me Mo on 11-Aug-2005 | Thanksgiving Forecast...Thanksgiving Forecast:
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F.The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.During the evening, the turkey will dimish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established.Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day.We expect a warming trend where soup develops.By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
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| Posted by Matt R. Dube on 11-Aug-2005 | The Twelve DaysThe Twelve Days After Christmas
The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup [peop100078_x51.WMF (46812 bytes)]
The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake
and turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A.
On the seventh day, what a mess I found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned
(I think there's a ''my true love gave to me'' in here somewhere)
The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming - well, actually I kept one of the
drummers -
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love
''We are through, love!''
And I said in so many words
''Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the
(Soprani) Birds!''
(Everyone else) Four calling birds,
Three french hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!''
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| Posted by Lucky A. Shorty on 11-Aug-2005 | Ways to Torture Your RoommateWays to Torture Your Roommate at Christmas
Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and thrash on the floor.
Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.
Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.
Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, ''Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town...''
Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say ''you've been very naughty this year.''
Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. ''You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.'')
Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
Sing: ''All I want for Christmas is my roomate's two front teeth...''
Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically ''it didn't work!''
Whip your roomate screaming ''now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.''
Tear down all your roomate's Christmas decorations yelling ''Bah Humbug!''
Wake up every morning screaming ''Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!''
Tell your roomate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street.
Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.
Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomate's friends ''give it a yank.''
Ring jingle bells maniacally saying ''every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.''
Stand in front of the mirror reciting ''How the Grinch Stole Christmas'' over and over in your underwear.
Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.
Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, ''he sees you when you're sleeping...''
Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roomate asks, tell him/her ''I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn.''
When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.
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| Posted by EMMI E. COOL on 11-Aug-2005 | How to liven upHow to liven up Thanksgiving dinner...
Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.
Shoot olive pits at Grampa's glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)
Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud ''BUZZ''ing noise.
Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.
Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.
Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.
Hold your nose while you eat.
Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
Mid-meal turn to mom and say, ''See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing''.
Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your ''shake'' back to the table.
Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.
When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.
Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, ''THE SAFETY IS ON'', while you hold your pocket.
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| Posted by Hyun Choi on 11-Aug-2005 | New Policy on Twelve Days...New Policy on Twelve Days
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the ''Twelve Days of Christmas'' subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance
Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French
The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days
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