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| Posted by BabyLissa on 11-Aug-2005 | Ebonics X-masAn Ebonics X-mas The Night Befo' Crizmus
Wuz da night befo Crizmus An all thru da hood Everybody be sleepin' Dey was sleepin real good
We hunged up our stockins An hoped like all heck Dat 'ol Sanny Claws Gonna brang us our check
All of da fambly Wuz layin in beds While Thunderbird wine Danced thru dere heds
I dun passed out on ze flo' Right nex to my maw When I heared such a fuss I thunk - it mus be da law
I looked out thru da bars What could I now do I was spectin the sherrif With a warrent for sho'
And what did I see Made me say, "Lawd look at dat" Dere was a huge watahmelon Pulled by 8 big ass rats
Now ober all da years Sanny Claws he be white But it looks like us bros Get a black Sanny tonite
Faster dan a po lice car My homeboy he came He whupped up on dem rats As he called dem be name
On Leroy, On Roosevelt On Virvus, On Willie On Yolanda, On Crayola On Kiesha, and Nefrotilly
An 'ol Sanny landed dat watahmelon Out dere in da street I knowed it fo shu Da damnest ting I eber did seed
Dat black Sanny didn't go down no chimbly He picked da lock on my do' An I sez to myeslf "Shit - He dis befo'
He had did big bag Full of prezents I speck Wif Air Jordans and fake gold To wear roun my nek
But he left no prezents Jus started stealin my shit Got my guns, got my crack Eben my burgler's kit
Wit my shit in his bag Out da windo he flew I sho woulda chased him But he got my knife too
He jumped on dat watahmelon Wit out a hitch He wuz gone in a second That son of a bitch
So nex year I be hopin' A white Sanny we git 'Cause a black Sanny Claws Jus ain't worf a shit!
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| Posted by Kevin M. Pinto on 14-Aug-2005 | 'Twas the night after ChristmasBy Jeff Foxworthy
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin',
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like?"
The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun,
when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
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| Posted by Chuckler on 11-Aug-2005 | Turkey Shot Out of the Oven...Turkey Shot Out of the Oven...
The turkey shot out of the oven
The turkey shot out of the oven
And rocketed into the air,
It knocked every plate off the table
And partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
And burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
Completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
It totally coated the floor,
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
Where there'd never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance,
It smeared every saucer and bowl,
There wasn't a way I could stop it,
That turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
And thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I'd never again stuff a turkey
With popcorn that hadn't been popped.
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| Posted by Crazy Girl on 13-Aug-2005 | Psychological Christmas SongsSCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell....
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
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| Posted by Sarah Magruder on 09-Aug-2005 | Season's Greetings...
Season's Greetings
Money's Short
Times are Hard
Here's your Fucking
Christmas Card
Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
everyone felt shitty
even the mouse
mom at the whorehouse
and dad smoking grass
I'd just settled down
for a nice piece of ass
when out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece
to see what's the matter
then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
it must be Saint Nick
He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
the old fucker fell
he filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer
he rose up the chimney
with a thuderous fart
the son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart
he swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
piss on you all
and have a good night
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Posted by Anna Flack on 14-Aug-2005 | Christmas Trees vs. PriestWhat do Christmas trees and priests have in common?
Their balls are for decoration.
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| Posted by Vince Carter!!! on 14-Aug-2005 | The Night Before ChristmasTwas the night before Christmas, and less I could care,
Just playing with Pepi and getting nowhere,
My hair stood on end, my feet hit the mat,
one hell of a racket, my god! what was that!
Shingles from the roof came tumbling down,
and as I looked out they were all on the ground,
I made a dive for the parlour my pants in my hands,
How much of this bullshit can one person stand,
Just as I thought twas our jolly old friend,
down the chimney he came, ass over end,
That's who it was I could tell by his dress,
All covered with deer shit, a hell of a mess,
He came limping out in a pile of soot,
bitching cause Prancer had stepped on his foot,
By his grunts and his groans his heaves and his sighs,
I knew right away he was pissed to the eyes,
He upset the tree fell over a chair,
and did nothing but bitch all the time he was there,
"All these damn kids will drive me berserk,
you have all the fun, I have all the work,"
His junk was all broken and spread on the floor,
and I saw when he turned that his britches were tore,
Exposed to the cold his ass was all blue,
he screamed, " I'll be glad when this damn night is through"
He dug and he scratched, the seven years itch,
He gave it to me the son of a bitch,
I guess all his capers finally went to my head,
I grabbed the old bastard and must have seen red,
I kicked his fat ass right out of the room,
If he ever comes back it'll still be too soon,
I heard him exclaim 'ere he drew out of site,
"Piss on you all, what a hell of a night."
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| Posted by Mary on 11-Aug-2005 | 12 Days of Christmas sent from MexicoOn the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me ,
7 pints of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the ninth day of Christmas my true Love sent to me,
9 Cartons of Marlboro.
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
10 Ripened Mango's.
9 Cartons of Marlboro.
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
11 boxes of Chicklets.
10 Ripened Mango's.
9 Cartons of Marlboro.
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
12 Bottles of Corona.
11 boxes of Chicklets.
10 Ripened Mango's.
9 Cartons of Marlboro.
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
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| Posted by leanna on 13-Aug-2005 | Butterball Turkey supportBUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK-LINE 'GREATEST HITS'
(or, 'Memorable Moments in Talk-Line History;' or, 'Out of the Mouths of.... Turkey Trauma Victims')
Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls -- inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they're heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites; plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck ('Will it cook faster if I drive faster?'), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen -- these are real incidents, true stories -- from the front lines!
* Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!
* Birdie, eagle and turkey? Roasting a turkey doesn't have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called 'Turkey Central' for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.
* Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, 'How do you thaw a fresh turkey?' The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed.
* Don't wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the 'Be prepared' motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips.
* Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton! A Southern woman called to comment, 'On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk-Line staff can't.' (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., Central Standard Time.)
* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, 'I don't know, it's still running around outside.'
* Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.
* White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.
* A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting advice. To provide approximate roasting times, the home economist asked what size the turkey was. Without asking her mother the little girl paused, then replied, 'Medium.'
* A novice turkey-cooking chef wanted to know if the yellow netting and wrapper around the turkey should be removed before roasting. Envisioning a melted plastic turkey blob, the home economist responded, 'Yes,' then offered complete roasting directions.
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| Posted by Salma DeLuna on 09-Aug-2005 | Question and answer Christmas jokeQ: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it's to far to walk.
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