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| Posted by R H. Z on 13-Aug-2005 | Easter Bunny InterviewINTERVIEW WITH THE EASTER BUNNY
With the possible exception of Santa Claus himself, there is not a busier mammal on the face of the earth than the Easter Bunny. Once a year, the Easter Bunny hops into the home of hundreds of millions of boys and girls all over the globe, dropping off chocolates, candy and eggs as part of the celebration of Easter. Our Staff spent a few minutes with the Easter Bunny as he was preparing for this year's task, for a tell-all, no-holds-barred interview. If you thought you knew the Easter Bunny, you just may be surprised.
Our Staff: Thanks for talking to us.
Easter Bunny: No problem. Do you mind if I eat while we talk? (takes out a packet of small green pellets) I've been in a rush recently.
OS: Go right ahead. We've got a list of questions here, compiled from our members, and I'll just go down the list if you don't mind.
EB: Ready when you are.
OS: The first question comes from Ted, in Dayton, Ohio. He writes: 'We all know that Santa's Workshop is located at the North Pole. Does the Easter Bunny have a workshop, and if so, where is it located?'
EB: Well, Ted, the answer is yes, I do have a workshop. It's located in San Bernardino, California.
OS: San Bernardino?
EB: That's right.
OS: You have to understand that most people would have figured some place like Easter Island.
EB: Have you *been* to Easter Island? What a rock! It's the single most isolated piece of land on the planet. By the time we shipped fresh eggs there, we'd have chickens. Besides, San Bernardino has the sort of motivated labor pool we need.
OS: Elves?
EB: Laid-off aerospace workers.
OS: They would seem to be a little overqualified.
EB: Maybe. But now we have some lovely chocolate stealth bombers.
OS: Our next question comes from Cindy, in Tempe. She writes: 'Why is the Easter Bunny a bunny? Why couldn't it have been the Easter Kitty, or the Easter Puppy?'
EB: That's a very good question. In fact, in the late 70s, we as an organization decided to play around with the whole 'bunny' thing by recruiting prominent local animals to deliver Easter baskets. In 1978, when the experiment was at its height, we had an Easter Bunny, an Easter Coyote, an Easter Manatee and an Easter Komodo Dragon.
OS: What happened?
EB: It just didn't work out. The Komodo dragon ate the eggs, the coyote just flaked out, and the manatee, if I may say so, was just about as dumb as a stick. There were some other problems with the program, too. The less we talk about the whole Easter Man-Eating Bengali Swamp Tiger episode, the better. Now we stick with bunnies. We know bunnies. We can work with bunnies. Bunnies don't eat anyone.
OS: Bob in Honolulu asks: 'Is there is just one Easter Bunny? Moreover, has the same Easter Bunny been the Easter Bunny for the last couple of millennia?'
EB: The fact of the matter is that there are quite a few Easter Bunnies, and we've never made a secret about that. Unlike the Santa Claus operation, which works under the improbable assumption that one guy delivers all those presents -
OS: Are you saying that Santa is a sham?
EB: I didn't say that. I never said that. What I am saying is that *we* don't work under the same sort of constraints. I mean, think about it. One bunny delivering baskets to several hundred million homes across the planet? The friction from the atmosphere alone would turn the poor guy into a bunny briquette. There'd be hideous charcoal smudges all over the baskets. 'Easter Bunny' is a job description, not a proper name. It's like 'Postal Carrier,' except our employees very rarely become disgruntled.
OS: So why are you THE Easter Bunny?
EB: Because I'm boss. You're not an Easter Bunny until I say you are.
OS: How does one become an Easter Bunny?
EB: Well, it's not just hopping down the bunny trail, I'll tell you. First, for reasons already explained, you have to be a bunny. After that, we have a psychological evaluation and a battery of physical tests you have to pass. We can't afford to have an Easter Bunny cramp up at the beginning of his run.
OS: Any famous rabbits turned down for the job?
EB: I don't want to name names. But one bunny who's making a living in the breakfast cereal industry, we had to let go. Any time a child would try to get an Easter basket from him, he'd back away and start snarling. He was a silly rabbit. Easter baskets are for kids.
OS: He seems to have gotten better since then.
EB: Prozac helps.
OS: Albert from Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, wants to know what are the occupational hazards of being the Easter Bunny.
EB: There are several. Large dogs are always a problem, of course: one moment you're delivering a basket of goodies, the next, a Rottweiler named Pinochet is on you like a meat-filled sock. Nervous homeowners with guns wing a couple of bunnies a year, as do edgy cops and private security guards. We don't even bother trying to deliver to the children of militia members anymore; first they'll plug you for being on their land, then they'll make you into jerky and a pair of gloves. But you know what our number one problem is?
OS: What?
EB: Sliding glass doors. Sometimes we'll just forget they're there. Man, that's embarrassing.
OS: Here's an interesting question, from Amy, in New York City. She writes: 'How does the Easter Bunny get along with Santa Claus? It seems like Santa gets all the attention.' And I have to say, I did notice some tension earlier, when you brought him up.
EB (Looking uncomfortable): Well, you know, look. I don't want to say anything bad about the guy. He does what he does, and I do what I do. Professionally, we get along fine.
OS: But privately?
EB: Is that tape recorder turned off?
OS: Uh.....sure.
EB: He's a big ol' pain in this bunny's bottom. For one thing, he's a prima donna: always me, me, me, where's my highball, where's my corned beef sandwich, tell this dumb bunny to get his own dressing room. I'd rather be trapped in a sack with Joan Crawford. For another, he's totally paranoid of other large men. He thinks that Luciano Pavarotti is trying to move into his territory. Last year it was John Goodman. He actually danced when Orson Welles kicked, waving his pistol and bellowing 'Rosebud!' from the top of his lungs.
OS: Wow. He seems a little scary.
EB: You think? And yet he gets all the publicity. Why? We do the same job. Mine's actually tougher, since I'm moving perishable stuff. You can't have bad eggs or stale chocolate, you know. Folks wouldn't stand for it. I have to maintain strict quality control. The only food product he has to worry about is fruitcake. You could tile the Space Shuttle with fruitcake.
OS: We're sure you have your own fans.
EB: It's like opening for the Beatles, is all. And he *is* the walrus, if you know what I mean.
OS: One final question, from Pat, in Rockford, Illinois; 'Does the Easter Bunny actually lay eggs? How does that happen, since the Easter Bunny is both male and a mammal?'
EB: Well, platypuses are mammals, and they lay eggs. So it's not impossible.
OS: That still leaves the male part.
EB: We're quibbling on details, here.
OS: Maybe there should be an Easter Platypus.
EB: Sorry. We tried that in '78.
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| Posted by radioactive peanut on 11-Aug-2005 | Rudolf the Bengal tigerRudolf the Bengal reindeer. Copyright Mrs. G.Parry
(To the traditional tune of ???Rudolf the red nosed reindeer??? and last verse ???Santa clause is coming to town???, played on Indian instruments.)
Rudolf the Bengal reindeer, had a very stripy coat.
And if you ever saw him, you would know it??™s not a joke.
All of the other reindeer,
Used to laugh and call him names.
They wouldn??™t let poor Rudolf,
Join in any reindeer games.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa called to say,
Rudolf with your coat so bright,
Won??™t you pull my sleigh tonight.
Rudolf the Bengal reindeer
With a very shinny smile.
Knew that his luck was changing,
in a very little while.
Then how the reindeer worried
And they shouted out in fear
Rudolf the Bengal reindeer
He was getting much too near.
A sleigh with presents all aboard
A busy night ahead
Santa thought it very weird
How his Reindeer disappeared.
Rudolf the Bengal reindeer, had a very stripy coat.
And if you ever saw him, you would know its not a joke.
All of the elves and Santa
Knew that Rudolf couldn??™t stay
They wouldn??™t let poor Rudolf
They all chased him far away.
You??™d better watch out
You??™d better take care
You??™d better not cry
I??™m telling you why
Rudolf is coming to town
Grrrrrr.
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| Posted by lisa g on 11-Aug-2005 | ChristmasPositive Thinking for Christmas
Lately there??™s been a lot of negative images and about Christmas conjured up. Usually it??™s from TV, movies, books, and the Internet. This makes for a sad, dreary Christmas, just the opposite, as what it should be. To cheer up the dreariness, caused by these negatives, the following list should be used. First is listed the negative idea or image. Then is the positive thinking needed to replace those negatives. So with positive thinking everyone will have a Joyous and Happy Christmas Season.
1. Negative
On TV and in movies Santa Claus shown as a drunk being hauled of to jail.
Positive
Think of how easy it is to get a bicycle, instead of your usual lump of coal, by mugging Santa.
2. Negative
How Santa might not get to your house before morning, because of a blizzard.
Positive
How fast the sled and reindeer can fly with a 60 mile per hour tail wind.
3. Negative
Elfs going on strike and there are no toys in the stores to be given to you as presents.
Positive
The money you save by rewrapping the presents you received last year and giving as presents this year.
4. Negative
You are getting no presents because Santa is too fat to fit down the chimney.
Positive
Think of how the reindeers feel after pulling a fat guy around the world in one night.
5. Negative
Thinking of what strange things an old man is doing in your living room in the middle of the night.
Positive
Tape Santas' visit and sell the tape as a video to a cable company that features New Rock Bands.
6. Negative
Grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Positive
More presents for me.
7. Negative
Not getting presents, because the reindeers are sick and can??™t pull the sled.
Positive
More deermeat for Santa.
8. Negative
How it??™s really hard for Santa to get down the chimney with the fire burning full blast.
Positive
How easy it is for Santa to get up the chimney.
9.Negative
Santa and his reindeers getting shot down by a missile when coming into Canada from the North Pole.
Positive
Presents for the caribou.
10. Negative
How lonely Mrs. Claus gets with Santa away all Christmas Eve.
Positive
The one night a year to party with the Elfs.
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| Posted by Diamond D on 13-Aug-2005 | Mafia Valentines PoemsMy love for you...
it came and went.
So your feet are now
in wet cement.
I'm here to fulfill your fondest wishes-
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
Lie down with me-
It's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit'
Jimmy Hoffa.
I picked up this card
from a slim selection,
But that's all they offer
in witness protection.
I've waited so long for you to be mine!
Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine.
Be my Valentine...
and we can do it execution-style.
Cinderella got her fella,
with a slipper made of glass.
So please be mine, Valentine,
or I'll have to whack your ass.
Violets are blue,
roses are red.
I blew up your car-
So why ain't you dead?
The day we met, my little pet,
I knew with just one look,
You'd bear a son, and now that's done,
So shut your mouth and cook!
Hey.
Youse da greatest.
Youse da best.
But youse is untouchable
Like Elliot Ness.
Lust is fleeting,
True love lingers.
Be mine always
And you'll keep your fingers.
Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know,
dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.
Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand,
So I won't be a self-made man.
When a goon makes you die,
cuz you told him goodbye
-- that's amore!
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| Posted by Christian t. Rios on 13-Aug-2005 | Holiday Controversy
CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use
MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur-balls
CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles
REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of delicate artwork
REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree
CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or morning?
YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules so all
enjoy surprise
MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway
CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner
YUPPIE: Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ
MALE: Anything, as long as there's plenty of both it - and beer
FEMALE: A meal the entire family plans and prepares
REALITY: Chinese carry-out or McDonald's
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| Posted by ??? on 13-Aug-2005 | Politically Correct Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves,"
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite
frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called
"Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had
gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions
in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every differing hue,
Everyone, everywhere...why even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on Earth."
(If that fits your plans and national agenda...)
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| Posted by devil dawg 50 on 13-Aug-2005 | Why Women Would Love Being Santa Claus1. You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
2. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
3. You could grow a gut the size of Fat Albert's and consider it a job requirement.
4. One big black belt - accessorized for life!
5. There'd be no reason to have your colours done.
6. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
7. Should people suggest your belly jiggled... that is when you giggled... like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with your purse.
8. You'd always work in sensible footwear.
9. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty 'Ho! Ho! Ho!', would remind everyone who's boss.
10. You wouldn't need an expensive briefcase.
11. No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
12. Never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip showing.
13. No more trips to the vending machine... you'd just snack on milk and cookies all day.
14. You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
15. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teen-agers would want to sit in your lap.
16. You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.
17. Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.
18. You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.
19. No one would ask to see your job description.
20. Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not pout.
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| Posted by Deven T. Frasier on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Things Overheard at the White House Thanksgiving Dinner
14> "And I would like to begin the annual Thanksgiving toast, Mr. President, by recounting the words of one of my favorite Jewish Country and Western songs..."
13> "Mr. President, you're drinking the gravy again."
12> "And now for the stuffing... hey! Who put a cigar in there?!? This is NOT funny!!"
11> "I'll be back in a minute, Honey. I'm just going to offer the intern a little stuffing."
10> "Roasted turkey!? Dammit, is the deep fryer broken again?"
9> "Man! Who are those hot young babes who came in with Gore and his wife?"
8> "Oh, come on, Al -- you did *not* invent Thanksgiving."
7> "God, I'd be thankful if HE were de-boned."
6> "I did not have seconds of that dish... mashed potatoes."
5> "Pssst... Monica, we don't kneel to say grace."
4> "God is great, God is good.
Oh, my God, I've sprouted wood."
3> "It would not be an unforeseen event for the dryness quotient of my slain meat product to be so elevated at to suggest artificial moistening as a direction in which we may eventually want to move. Then again, if..."
"Would someone just pass Greenspan the friggin' gravy already?!?"
2> "I'm sorry, Mr. Starr, no one here knows the Heimlich maneuver."
1> "Pay attention, Bill: Here's a little carving trick I learned from Lorena Bobbitt."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by BRADY COLLINS on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Hot Toys This Holiday Season
12> Seattle Protest Barbie -- Complete with painted sign, handcuffs, and double-tall latte! (Anarchist Ken sold separately)
11> The Al Gore Doll -- So real, it's almost life-like!
10> Toy Story 2 adult action figures -- Buzzed Lightyear and Morning Woody
9> H2-Oh! -- Pop it in the freezer and it magically becomes a cold, frosty treat!
8> Celery Monster -- Cookie Monster's anorexic sister
7> Day Trader Barbie -- comes with notebook computer, cell phone, 9mm handgun and emergency cyanide pill
6> My First Nipple Ring -- Be the first on your block to be banned by your friends' Moms!
5> Lower G.I. Joe -- Teaches your youngster the joy of colonic irrigation
4> PokeYerMom Oedipal Trading Cards
3> Playskool Oval Office -- If the house is a rockin', don't come a knockin' (until it's your turn!).
2> Crips 'n' Bloods Operation -- "Use the forceps to remove the cap from your ass! But don't set off the buzzer!"
1> Potty Training Taco Bell Chihuahua -- Teaches Junior where to "Drop the Chalupa"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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