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| Posted by ProudBreed on 11-Aug-2005 | Microsoft Dinner 98INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not
give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others
smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how
good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes:
mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press
start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the
ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of
the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The
oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to
your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your
oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the
dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave
and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your
oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of
which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too
large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want
another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of
their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger
family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must
be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However,
that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get
thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,
not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
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| Posted by Kevin K. Lownds on 11-Aug-2005 | Abc'sOnce upon a time there was a kid in the 2nd grade. one day his teacher told him to say the ABC's by tomorrow, so when he got home after school he asked his dad what is the first letter of the alphebet? he said shutup so he goes to his sisters room and shes on the phone he asks whats the second letter of the alphebet? and she says uh ha uh ha uh ha. so next he goes into his brothers room whos watching Batman and asks whats the 3rd letter of the alphebet? he says dun nun nunu BATMAN! so he goes into the kitchen where his mom is cooking dinner and he asks whats the 4th letter of the alphebet? she says my buns are burning, my buns are burning! so then the next day he goes to school and his teacher asks say the alphebet and he says shut up. so she says do u want to go to the princapal's office? he says uh ha uh ha uh ha, so he is in the princapal's office and he asks who do u theink you are? then he says du nanana BATMAN! and the princapal pattals his behind, and the kids screams my buns are burning my buns are burning!
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| Posted by Marco The Great on 11-Aug-2005 | Have you ever wondered?Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive ?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds ?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii ?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes ?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there ?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime ?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations ?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings ?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
Why are there locks on the doors ?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose ?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon,
How do they make Teflon stick to the pan ?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height,
What would happen ?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light,
What happens when you turn on the headlights ?
You know how most packages say "Open Here."
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open Somewhere Else ?"
Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM ?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways ?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it;s called cargo ?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance ?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
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| Posted by Kellen C. Dunbar on 11-Aug-2005 | Progemmers and LightbulbsQ: How many programmers dose it take to changr a lightbilb?
A:None...that's a harware issue.
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| Posted by kyle loucas on 11-Aug-2005 | Installing XP.Microsoft:
YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY SURE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?
*****yes!******
OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE'RE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE "ANTI-TRUST" NONSENSE. INGRATE.
Just get on with it.
ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.
Groan.
THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.
Problems? What problems?
THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.
But I'm using it at this very moment.
THAT IS IRRELEVANT.
But if the video card isn't working with the mother board then I can't very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasn't...
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE - MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.
All that?
YES. AND THE HARD DRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DON'T LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.
Well what *DOES* work?
THE MOUSE.
The mouse?
YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.
I don't have a 5 1/4 drive.
YES YOU DO.
No I don't.
WHAT'S THAT THEN?
It's a 3 1/2 drive.
NO IT ISN'T.
Yes it is.
YOU'RE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.
Look, can you just install XP on my system and I'll download the latest drivers for everything later? Please?
WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR* SYSTEM?
Well it is mine.
NO IT ISN'T.
It bloody well is.
NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM. IT'S OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.
But why?
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDJIT. WE CAN'T VERY WELL HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, NOW COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE? I'LL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THAT'S WHERE. I... HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOU'RE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHAT'S ON THAT DISK? IS THAT DOS? YOU'RE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE..........
C:\>
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| Posted by HOLY SH**!!! on 11-Aug-2005 | Two Drinking BuddiesOne day two drinking buddies Jim and David were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up “Man I really need a drink!” in response David replied, “You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk.” “Really?” said Jim “That’s what I heard man. Do you wanna try it?” Said David “Sure, hell I’ll try anything once!” Said Jim. SO with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. so they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn’t felt this good in years. “Wow!!” He said. About that time his telephone rang. “Hello?” Jim Said “Hello Jim? Came the reply “This is David man. How are you feeling this morning?” Jim said “Man I feel great no hang over not sick man I feel like a million bucks. How about you?” David replied” Me too man, but I have one question for you.” Jim said, “Sure man what is it” “Have you farted yet man?” Jim said “Ummmmm No. Why?” “Man don’t. I’m in Phoenix!”
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| Posted by Coastalisis on 11-Aug-2005 | Jokes from the mouths of geeksThese came from the mouths of geeks
and nerds, and all with a nerdy laugh at
the end:
its not earth to eric--its mars to eric!!!
i dont want you to be screwed, i want you
to be nailed!!!
your mama is so stupid she made the
anti-deans list!!!
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| Posted by Laura Brown on 11-Aug-2005 | To Prick A BobbyQ: How do you prick a Bobby?
A: With a Bobby Pin!
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| Posted by The Purple Lady on 11-Aug-2005 | Potato will always help!There was this really loser guy at collage one day. he was really unpopular so he got the guts to go ask a girl how could he make the girls like him!? SO, she told him to put a potato in his pants! so hes like OK~ if that will help! so the next day he is walking around an everyone is laughing at him and so he goes back up to the girl he asked and said y is everyone laughing at me?? she says well maybe next time u SHOULD PUT IT IN THE FRONT!
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| Posted by Rosebud on 11-Aug-2005 | How To Build A Web Page In 25 Steps1. Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes.
2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks.
3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it - 20 minutes.
4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute.
5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like - 4 days.
6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes.
7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes.
8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours.
9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute.
10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.
11. Remove one of the images - 10 seconds.
12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone - 4 hours.
13. Download a counter from your ISP - 4 minutes.
14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number -16.3 E10" - 3 hours.
15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text - 8 hours.
16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP - 40 minutes.
17. Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second.
18. Recreate your web page - 2 days.
19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server - 3 weeks.
20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP - 30 minutes.
21. Download FTP software - 10 minutes.
22. Call your friend again - 15 minutes.
23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes.
24. Connect to your site on the web - 1 minute.
25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps - eternity.
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