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| Posted by paul c. feller on 14-Aug-2005 | This could get you in trouble...This could get you in trouble...
The following is immoral, stupid, possibly illegal, and perhaps
dangerous. Oh, and its likely to piss some people off as well.
But it is fun to think about though.
//==============================================//
Call 911, tell ''em its an emergency, you're hungry and try to
order a pizza.
Try to commandeer a police car.
Buy a T-Shirt that says, "Ask me how your wife was."
Answer your phone, "What the fuck do you want!?"
Call AT&T and ask for rates of three of their competitors.
If you manage to get the rates for three of AT&Ts competitors,
say, "I can top that" then hang up.
If you're in a place and some GUYS cell phone rings, blurt out,
"Tell your wife I'M unavailable!"
Answer your phone "Who's your daddy!?"
Try to buy drugs from a police officer.
Next time some one says, "You bet your ass." Tell 'em you don't
swing that way
Get a gas can, wash it out really REALLY good, poke a small hole
in the bottom of the can so it will leak. Next Get a really big
cigar, light it, fill the gas can with water and walk down the
street with a lit cigar and a gas can leaking. Hold the cigar in
the same hand as the gas can.
If your really bored and have a lot of money you don't need (I
could use it!) try to sue Microsoft.
Dress up like a shark and drive around the beach in a jeep.
Buy some condoms and ask the pharmacist if his/her daughter is
home.
Super glue some ones car door shut.
Try to sell some one else's car that is parked on the side of
the street.
Next time you over hear a conversation and you hear any foul
language, say "Watch your fucking mouth, asshole! the fucking
nerve of some people, Jesus fucking Christ! I've never heard so
much fucking profanity in my fucking life, SHIT!"
Sing out loud, Yankee doodle dandy, but change the lyrics to,
"Yank my noodle, Sandy"
Stare at someone until they look back at you. Ask 'em, "What the
fuck are you looking at?"
Wipe your ass with a dollar bill then toss it out onto a busy
side walk. Watch the fun!
Tell all the people on the sales floor of your local K-mart or
what ever, that their vacuums suck.
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| Posted by K. Caplan on 14-Aug-2005 | The Red JokeOne day, there was a red hotel run by Mrs. Red. On that day,
she had three boarders; Mr. Orange, Mr. White, and Mrs. Blue.
Each of the boarders had a red room with a red door, a red
keyhole, etc. That day, Mr. Orange left his room to request a
maid. He went out the red door, down the red steps, through the
red rec room, through the red dining room, through the red
kitchen, up the red stairs and opened the red door to Mrs. Red's
room to ask for a maid. He was granted the wish and returned to
his red room going out the red door, down the red steps, through
the red kitchen, through the red dining room, through the red
rec room, and up the red steps. Next, Mr. White wanted to
request a special meal. He went out the red door, down the red
steps, through the red rec room, through the red dining room,
through the red kitchen, up the red stairs and opened the red
door to Mrs. Red's room to ask for a special meal. He was
granted the wish and returned to his red room going out the red
door, down the red steps, through the red kitchen, through the
red dining room, through the red rec room, and up the red steps.
Next, Mrs. Blue wanted to complain about the absence of hot
water in her bathroom. She went out the red door, down the red
steps, through the red rec room, through the red dining room,
through the red kitchen, up the red stairs and opened the red
door to Mrs. Red's room to complain about the water. The water
was fixed and she returned to her red room going out the red
door, down the red steps, through the red kitchen, through the
red dining room, through the red rec room, and up the red steps.
The next morning, breakfast time came. Mr. Orange came down the
red stairs, through the red dining room, through the red rec
room to the red kitchen. He got out a red bowl, a red spoon,
some red milk, and red Cheerios. He poured the red milk and the
red Cheerios into the red bowl and used the red spoon to eat
every bit. When he was finished, he washed the red bowl and the
red spoon. He put the red Cheerios and the red milk where they
belonged. He went back through the red dining room, the red rec
room, up the red stairs, and back to his red room. Next, Mr.
White came down for breakfast. He came down the red stairs,
through the red dining room, through the red rec room to the red
kitchen. He got out a red bowl, a red spoon, some red milk, and
red Frosted Flakes. He poured the red milk and the red Frosted
Flakes into the red bowl and used the red spoon to eat every
bit. When he was finished, he washed the red bowl and the red
spoon. He put the red Frosted Flakes and the red milk where
they belonged. He went back through the red dining room, the
red rec room, up the red stairs, and back to his red room.
Finally, Mrs. Blue wanted breakfast. She came down the red
stairs, through the red dining room, through the red rec room to
the red kitchen. She got out a red bowl, a red spoon, some red
milk, and red Cheerios. She poured the red milk and the red
Cheerios into the red bowl and used the red spoon to eat every
bit. When she was finished, she washed the red bowl and the red
spoon. She put the red Cheerios and the red milk where they
belonged. She went back through the red dining room, the red
rec room, up the red stairs, and back to her red room. The
moral of this story is that two out of three people prefer
Cheerios over Frosted Flakes.
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| Posted by Smarty1 on 14-Aug-2005 | The timeThere was a guy. and he was working at his grocery store when a
lady asked for the time. he said.. time to get a watch.
the lady ran off and asked another guy.
he said the same thing. then she tried one more time.
this guy said. I dont know.
And she said,i do,its time to get a watch.
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| Posted by immoonglorious on 14-Aug-2005 | rudolph`s nosewhy dose rudolph have a red nose and the rest brown?
because when santa stops ,since they are no bums in frunt of
him his nose dosn`t get stuck up the frunt ones bum.
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| Posted by Umm...ME on 14-Aug-2005 | crazywhat do you call a crazy person who is obsessed with the moon?
a lunar-tic
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| Posted by Rose Petal on 14-Aug-2005 | The WaterThree boys were in the desert with only one bottle of water
left. They were all very thirsty, so they had a dreaming
contest. Whoever had the best dream would get the water, so they
all went to sleep right away. When they woke up, the first boy
said, "I dreamed I won a lottery ticket." The second boy said,
"I dreamed I was immortal." The third boy said, "While you guys
were sleeping I drank the water."
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| Posted by Mr X. Jiffy on 14-Aug-2005 | Dumb Facts1. Married men live longer than singel men do, but married men
are alot more willing to die.
2. Parents spend the first twelve months of thier childrens
lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve
telling them to sit down and shutup.
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| Posted by Star Shooter on 14-Aug-2005 | How to Keep a Healthy Level of InsanityBig Laughs
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with
sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing
cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise
your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask
if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it
"in"
5. Put decaff in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once
everyone has Gotten over their caffeine addictions,
switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for
sexual favours."
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance
with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation marks
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically
after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to
go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems
don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play
a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you
can't attend their party because you're not in the
mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your
wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I
won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the
parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're
loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the
economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
And the final way to keep a healthy level of
insanity.......
20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address
book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not
to send them stuff like this.
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| Posted by Steve M. Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | Things I MUST Remember as a Dog!1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying
under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or
under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the
house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after
they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean
carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just
because I like the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tastie, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then
redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red
ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window
rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear
one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the
backyard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for
mom's driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on
the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the
bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after
just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable
way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought
it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the
pillow next to their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt
across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just
because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my
crotch when company is over.
29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly
clear a room.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he
makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
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| Posted by BloodAngel on 14-Aug-2005 | Philosophic QuestionsPonder these questions when you don't want to think about
important stuff!
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead
of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is
prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it
have locks on the door?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime,
what does a freedom fighter fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby
oil?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your
headlights on, what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called
shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called
cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you throw a cat out of the house, does it become kitty litter?
If aspirins are always "Take Two," why not increase the size of
ONE?
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