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| Posted by bugzaboo on 14-Aug-2005 | Idaho ProtatoesThere are two potatoes standing at the curb, how can you tell
which one is the protitute?
The one with the sign that says, "I-da-ho!"
(Idaho potatoes)
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| Posted by Judge Fu on 12-Aug-2005 | Tuns of Puns! Part IDid you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
They fight tooth and nail!
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?
She had her baby in the spring.
Have you seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he's back!
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up.
How do you clean ice off tall buildings?
With sky scrapers.
How do you get a frog off the back window of your car?
Use the rear defrogger.
How do you revive a drowning rodent?
Give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
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| Posted by Sex E. Babe on 12-Aug-2005 | Thanks For the BallsA New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients.
The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's name.
One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying,
"That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls."
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| Posted by Erhan Eryurt on 14-Aug-2005 | Sheep JokeWhat did the male sheep say to the female one?
Ewe are so beautiful.
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| Posted by Fred Johnson on 14-Aug-2005 | Pillsburry DoughboyVeteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast
infection.
He was 71, Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in
recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth,
the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess
Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt
Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how
much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but later in his life his career was
filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie,
wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty
old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in
the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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| Posted by David M. Pyle on 12-Aug-2005 | 2 friends a hunting!Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatical huntsman and he went hunting as often as he could.
The other was his friend who is a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt anything.
They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to - it had a terrible infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even see out of.
The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged him to stop.
Hey! he said, "Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?"
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| Posted by Pat Mcgroyne on 12-Aug-2005 | TermiteA termite walks into a bar and asks:
"is the bartender here?"
C'mon...think about it! :)
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| Posted by roadrunr on 14-Aug-2005 | HotelsThese three guys wanted to rent a hotel, the hotel had only
three rooms left, one room with apples one with oranges and one
with a room full of woman..
The first guy says i'll take the apples..!!
The Second guy says i'll take oranges.
And the third guy says i'll go to the one with all the woman.:-)
The next morning at breakfast the three guys met up.
The guy in the apple room said i feel like a apple.
The guy in the orange room said i feel like a orange.
The guy in the room with all the woman said i feel like a golf
ball i've been in and out of 18 holes.
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| Posted by soccerlegs on 14-Aug-2005 | Metric System"Useful Metric Conversions"
-----------------------------------
We Americans (defined as residents of the USA) frequently have
problems with metric conversions. In an attempt to clarify the
conversion process I now submit some "Useful Metric Conversions."
1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox
I hope this proves a useful tool.
**************************************
"If God had wanted us to use the metric system,
Jesus would have had 10 apostles."
-- US Senator Jesse Helms
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