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| Posted by Alison Barnes on 12-Aug-2005 | Christmas HumorKnock, knock?
Whos there?
Megan and chicken
Megan and chicken who?
He's megan a list and chicken it twice, he's gonna find out whos naughty and nice...
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| Posted by Cersi on 12-Aug-2005 | Wedding GiftA female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage.
They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words: "hiss and hearse"
(woo-hoo!...that was terrible! :)
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| Posted by Sarah T. Lawson on 12-Aug-2005 | Naughty Kids...Q...What do you call children who are raised in those naughty houses of ill-repute?
A...Brothel Sprouts!
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| Posted by Clarence Chicken on 12-Aug-2005 | This little Piggy!A pig walks into a bar and orders a beer. After drinking it, he hops off the bar stool, pees on the floor and leaves.
Another pig comes in, drinks his beer, pees on the floor and leaves.
A third and forth piggy come in and do the same exact thing.
Finally, a fifth piggy comes in to the bar and orders a beer. After finishing his beer, he gets off the bar stool and begins to walk out the door.
Before reaching the door, the bartender yells - "Hey Pig...aren't you going to pee on the floor like the others?"
To which the pig replies - "No you idiot! Everyone knows that the last little piggy goes WEE WEE WEE - all the way home!"
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| Posted by John R. Beard on 12-Aug-2005 | Truck Driver SnowThe truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.
"Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.
"It's Snow, Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"
"I'm June, June Hansen," she said. "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered with a question of his own, "having eight inches of Snow in June?"
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| Posted by Twiggy Ramirez on 12-Aug-2005 | The String in the bar.Two pieces of string walked into a bar and ordered a pint. 'sorry' said the barman, 'we don't serve pieces of string in here' and with that he threw the two pieces of string out.
Outside, one of the pieces of string ruffeled himself up, tied himself in a loop and went back into the bar.
'Are you one of those pieces of string I just threw out?' asked the barman.
'No' replied the string, 'I'm a frayed not'!
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| Posted by catherine chsksi on 12-Aug-2005 | General's FuneralThe famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M.
The newspapers reported the incident with the headlines,
"The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn"
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| Posted by Heather Iannaccio on 12-Aug-2005 | Tossed Off A ShipA panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas.
He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, "Beggars can't be cruisers."
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| Posted by Stanley Tuvako on 12-Aug-2005 | Questions & Answer Quickies!Q.) What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office? A.) They're hiring.
Q.) What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? A.) "Dam."
Q.) How do crazy people go through the forest? A.) They take the psycho path.
Q.) What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long? A.) Polaroids.
Q.) What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? A.) National Dyslexia Association.
Q.) What do you call cheese that isn't yours? A.) Nacho Cheese.
Q.) What do you call Santa's helpers? A.) Subordinate Clauses.
Q.) What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? A.) Quattro sinko.
Q.) What do you get from a pampered cow? A.) Spoiled milk.
Q.) What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A.) Frostbite.
Q.) What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A.) A nervous wreck.
Q.) What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A.) Anyone can roast beef.
Q.) Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A.) They all have phones.
Q.) What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? A.) Sanka.
Q.) Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A.) Because they have big fingers.
Q.) What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A.) A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.
Q.) What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A.) A stick.
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| Posted by Bertha Mark on 12-Aug-2005 | I\\\'m a Fun-gi!There's this mushroom who walks into a bar one night. All he wants is one beer. So he goes up to the bar, hops up on the stool and asks the bartender for a beer.
Bartender: "Sorry mister, can't give it to ya." Mushroom: "C'mon, just one beer..please?" Bartender: "Nope, can't do it."
The mushroom looks around and says again, "C'mon, just..just one beer and then I'll leave you alone." Bartender: "Look, for the last time...I'm not serving you the damn beer!"
Finally the mushroom says to the bartender, "Hey, c'mon man...I'm a Fun-gi!"
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| Posted by tazy on 12-Aug-2005 | This is so dumb - it's funny!There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing..."I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."
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| Posted by anglebaby on 12-Aug-2005 | Blind deer jokesWhat do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
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| Posted by Carolyn Halabaloo on 12-Aug-2005 | The perfect woman!A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.
"Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins Undressing him.
The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.
"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replies.... "You just happened to catch my eye.
(hee-hee, hoo-hoo, that was terrible!)
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| Posted by nate SmiTH on 12-Aug-2005 | Jesus vs. SatanOne day, Jesus and Satan decided to settle which one of them was the best programmer. God was chosen to be the judge.
Jesus and Satan got 10 hours to create the best program they could for the PC.
When 10 hours had past, the power suddenly went out, and all the data disappeared from both monitors. Moments later, the power came back on.
On Jesus's monitor, all the data had returned to its previous state, whereas Satan's monitor remained blank.
Satan got really angry and complained to God.
God was quiet for a moment, then he laughed and said, "Jesus saves!"
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| Posted by Orphan Annie on 12-Aug-2005 | You are under arrest!A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone jumped up and shouted, "he's a *&^^%*@)&!".
Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, "My fellow scientists,". Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "this dumb *%@(&+*! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent *$3%$#*#+=!".
Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.
The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived and the events that had transpired were explained to them. The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you."
The scientist replied, "For what? You can't arrest me for killing a clone!". The attending scientists nodded in agreement.
"Well!" retorted the police chief.
He thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for...
"Making an obscene clone fall..."
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| Posted by Mike E. Brown on 12-Aug-2005 | Random Ramblings!** A waist is a terrible thing to mind. ** Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor. ** Atheism - A non-prophet organization. ** Boycott shampoo!!! Demand True poo! ** Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way! ** Clones are people two. ** COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage. ** Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? ** Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery. ** Entropy isn't what it used to be. ** Everyone is entitled to my opinion. ** Gene Police: "YOU!! Out of the pool!" ** Ground Beef: Cow With No Legs ** Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate unnecessary, superfluous redundancy. ** I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure. ** Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! ** Mouse... n. elephant built by the Japanese. ** My reality check just bounced. ** No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. ** Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art. ** Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. ** So, what IF there were no hypothetical questions hypothetically...
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| Posted by Kristi Burchfield on 12-Aug-2005 | No ParkingThis particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot.
This continued until he put up the following effective sign:
This parking space belongs to the Wizard....
Violators will be toad!
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| Posted by Bradley H. Stanley on 12-Aug-2005 | Coffee TimeQ: How does Mrs. Abdul Jabbar like her coffee?
A: With Kareem!!!
Q: What does it say, on great Hawaiian singer, Don's mail box?
A: The Ho House!!!
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| Posted by Jon Ramsbottom on 12-Aug-2005 | Tuns of Puns! Part IIHow does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalog.
How you get down from an elephant?
You don't, you get down from ducks.
What city has the largest rodent population?
Hamsterdam.
What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates?
"Well done."
What did one cloned sheep say to the other?
"I am ewe."
What did one magnet say to the other magnet?
"I find you very attractive."
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
What did one potato chip say to the other?
Shall we go for a dip?
What did the painter say to the wall?
"One more crack and I'll plaster you!"
What do cats like on a hot day?
A mice cream cone.
What do cats like on their hot dogs?
Mouse-tard.
What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies.
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| Posted by STEVIE on 12-Aug-2005 | The bus crash.Kenny Rogers and his entourage are aboard their tour bus on their way to a concert in Denver, when they get a flat tire.
The mechanic jumps off the bus to fix the flat, but because they're already behind schedule and in a hurry, he neglects to double check that the lug nuts are properly tightened.
Shortly thereafter, as the bus goes around a curve on a twisty mountain highway, the entire wheel comes off. The bus veers off the road, and plunges down the side of the mountain.
Everybody on board is killed, except for a young "roadie" who happened to be lying in his bunk, and was somewhat shielded from the crash by his mattress.
The kid is lying in his hospital bed being interviewed by the press, and one reporter asks him if Kenny Rogers had said any last words?
"Yes," said the young man, "he did." As the bus went over the edge I could hear Mr. Rogers singing......
"You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel"...
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| Posted by dropsofjupiter on 12-Aug-2005 | His miracle drinks!A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! - A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" But the bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! - Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! - Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly!
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says...
"That boy should have quit while he was a head!"
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| Posted by Anya on 12-Aug-2005 | Getting the RecipeHere is a story about a famous food critic's recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cusine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.
Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.
The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monestary, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers.
So he quickly ran down the street to the monestary and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the "Fish Friar."
The brother repiled, "Nope, I'm the Chip Monk!"
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| Posted by Gemma M. Holmes on 12-Aug-2005 | What's up Doc?Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close,' the surgeon says.
The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"
The doctor hands him the thread and says, "Go ahead...Suture self"!
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| Posted by Dan B. Jamison on 12-Aug-2005 | Tuns of PunsGalore - Part IIIWe painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what it used to be.
My sister opened a computer store on a beach in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.
A friend of mine told some jokes about religion and got put on the Sects Offenders List.
A guy turns up at a costume party carrying a woman on his back. "What are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"I'm a snail." he said, "Can't you see, I'm carrying Michelle on my back."
Gardeners' playing cards - weed em and reap.
A six-foot termite walks into a bar. He raps on the bar and asks:
"Excuse me...is the bar tender here?"
Perforation is a rip-off!
A poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded.
And of course, there was the pillow and mattress manufacturing company that had a problem with staff...
Some of them just felt down all the time, and the rest were sleeping on the job.
And don't forget about the telecoms engineer who was committed to an asylum... They said he had too many hang-ups.
Friction. It's such a drag. And gravity sucks too.
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| Posted by Pinkwonder on 12-Aug-2005 | Who am I!!!I once had a friend who was a renowned clinical psycologist. He used to tell me about all the patients he had seen.
One of the most interesting cases he told me about involved a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder.
At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet opera. At other times he was convinced that he was the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW II.
The concensus of the practitioners was that the poor fellow didn't know if he was Carmen or Goerring...
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| Posted by Sapphire Iscariot on 12-Aug-2005 | Caught Speeding.A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells, "PULLOVER!"
"NO," she yelled back over the sound of the siren, "It's a SCARF!"
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| Posted by TigerFly on 12-Aug-2005 | This is bad...real bad!A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed.
Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye!"
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| Posted by BLitz on 12-Aug-2005 | Tuns of PunsGalore - Part III was having coffee at the golf course when I saw a large amount of black sediment in the bottom of the cup. So I called the grounds keeper.
My church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.
Q: What kind of engine do they use in golf carts?
A: Fore cyclinder.
I say a dermatologist about a nasty red patch on my skin. I asked it would get better, but he said he didn't want to make any rash promises.
An univeristy student fell in love, and dropped out of school to marry her young love. She wrote to her parents to say that she had put the heart before the course.
I witnessed a robbery in a fabric factory and immediately called the police. They caught the culprit and held me as a material witness.
Support your right to bare arms! Wear short sleeves!
When a ladder was stolen from a store, the manager said that further steps would be taken.
People who talk about false gods are engaged in idol gossip.
A good carpenter will do his work and then varnish without a trace.
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| Posted by Brad H on 12-Aug-2005 | The Biker's decision.You'd never believe it, but I bumped into a famous stuntman in a motorcycle shop the other day.
He was complaining because he couldn't decide whether to buy a bike with a high top speed but poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and a fast acceleration but a poor top speed.
Eventually he decided on the second one because it cost a lot less.
After all... torque is cheap.
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| Posted by Joe B. Bob on 12-Aug-2005 | Beethoven!A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker.
"He's just decomposing!"
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