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| Posted by saran singh on 14-Aug-2005 | Rude Song LyricsThese are rude nursery rhymes, songs and remakes of songs the
way they should have been done...
Masturbation Song
You don't need to use a condom
You don't need a dental dam
You don't need to say "I Love You" or "Here's Fifty
Dollars, Ma'am."
Don't need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need's a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff
'Cause everybody's doin' it, all across the land
Masturbators Of America, Give Yourselves A Hand!
It's natural, and organic
It's easy and it's fun
If you don't know how to do it ask your parents how it's done
You don't need a special license
You don't need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill
'Cause everybody's doin' it, and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America, Give Yourselves a Hand!
(Musical bridge, with lots of suggestive dance moves on the
ROCKER'S part. For instance, he does that one bit where you
jump backwards on one leg while playing air guitar, except that
instead of playing air guitar he's stroking air wanker.)
You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead
You can rub it with some lotion
You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Shwartzenegger pounds it, Michael Jackson jacks it off
Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America, Give Yourself a Hand
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Single Woman's Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don't send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.
One good man who's sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn't smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that's okay.
Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don't let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won't go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He'd probably be just some schmuck.
The single life is not that bad
I know it's just a passing fad.
I won't be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won't comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.
The single life will do just fine.
So what's up, girlfriend?
IT'S PARTY TIME!!!!
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Abraham Lincoln Rhyme
Abraham Lincoln was a good old man. He hopped out the window
with his dick in hand. he said, "Excuse me ladies, just doing my
duty so why not pull down your pants and give me some booty."
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Mary Mary Rhyme
Mary Mary quite contrary shaved her pussy cause it was so damn
hairy.
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Row Your Boat Song
Roll, roll, roll your joint twist it at the end, take a puff,
that's enough and pass it to a friend.
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Jack and Jill Went Up The Hill Rhyme
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana, Jack got
high, unzipped his fly, and Jill said "I don't wanna"
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Stupid Jill
forgot her pill and now they have a son.
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I'm A Little Penis Rhyme
I'm a little penis,
Long and hard,
If you want to see it,
Come in my yard,
When I get all horny,
Then I spurt,
Push me in,
And pull me out!
----------------------------------------
Jack Rhyme
Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Jack burnt off his little Dick!
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Mother Hubbard Rhyme
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cubbard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over,
Rover took over
And the bitch got a bone of her own!
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Peter Peter Rhyme
Peter peter pumpkin eater
had a wife loved to beat her
smacked her twice across the head
fucked her ass and went to bed
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Mary Had A Little Lamb Rhyme
Mary had a little lamb
she kept it in her back yard
when she took her panties off
his wooly dick got hard
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Hickory Dickory Dock
Hickory Dickory Dock
The bitch was suckin my cock
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
And dropped the bitch off at the next block!
----------------------------------------
Little Boy Blue
Little boy blue,
he needed the money.
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Little Bow Peep
Little bow peep fucked a sheep
blew a horse, licked his feet,
she ate his ass so very nice
tongued his balls not once but twice.
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Mary Had A Little Lamb Rhyme
Marry had a little lam
it's fleece was black as coal,
and every time it jump a fence
you could see it's pink asshole.
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| Posted by Sexy Guy on 14-Aug-2005 | Jack and JillJack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have a little fun,
stupid Jill forgot the pill
and now they have a son.
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8 people have rated this joke: |
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| Posted by Farzad F. Rad on 14-Aug-2005 | When I DieWhen I die, I want to go
Peacefully Like my Grandfather
did, In his Sleep-------------
Not like the screaming
Passengers in his Car.
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| Posted by Carrie Sparton on 14-Aug-2005 | Here I SitHere I sit in gassly vapour,
Some dumb fuck used all the paper
No longer will I sit and linger,
Look out asshole, here comes my finger!
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3 people have rated this joke: |
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| Posted by Paul C. Randall on 14-Aug-2005 | Ryhme About Santa
(To be sung to the tune of that Witer Wonderland song)
Santa Claus, are you listening?
Mrs.Claus had sex with Blizten
I you want to know more,
Go next door
and find the hore who wanted more
(I admit this is one of my worst jokes. to get much better
ones, go to http://calum.8m.net .)
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| Posted by Scott Me on 14-Aug-2005 | Teachers Tongue TwisterMath mocks muddle your mind,
English exams exhaust the ego,
French phrases fizzle your fibers,
Technology tests tease through time,
Science suffers a straining cerebrum, geography generally juggles GCSE's
Finally physics fails your finals
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| Posted by Countess E. Bathori on 14-Aug-2005 | Shootin at a squirelThis is a story about a man named Jed
Poor mountainier barely kept his family feed
Then one day he was shootin at a squiral
Up popped up, a beautiful girl
Naked that is, big tits and everything
Next thing you know old Jeds in bed
Hoofin and poofin till his balls turn red
Nine months later he has a little girl
Teaches her never go shootin at a squirel
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3 people have rated this joke: |
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| Posted by Crunchiebarmuncher on 14-Aug-2005 | Alliteration About MaturbationMy first time ever
the sky was dark
the moon was high
all alone
just my dick and I.
My schlong so hard
it was a clue
I knew just what
I had to do.
I remembered my fears
my fast beating heart
but slowly I spread
my legs apart.
I didn't know how
but I tried my best
I started by placing
my hand on my tests.
My pubes so curly,
my balls so fine
I felt a tingle down my spine.
Then I did it
I felt no shame
and all at once the white stuff came.
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10 people have rated this joke: |
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| Posted by Asheesh Joshi on 14-Aug-2005 | Jack -N- Jill Revised EditionJack and Jill went up the hill,
For just an itty-bitty,
Jill's now 2 months overdue,
And Jack has left the city.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Each with a quarter,
Jill came down with 50 cents.
Do you think they went for water?
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water,
Jill forgot to take the pill,
So now they've got a daughter!
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
With a keg of brandy,
Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed,
Now it's Jack, Jill, and Andy.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
And planned to do some kissing,
Jack made a pass, grabbed her ass,
And now his front 2 teeth are missing
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6 people have rated this joke: |
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| Posted by Graeme J. Traquair on 14-Aug-2005 | Prayer Before the TestThis was one young boy's prayer he said one night before a test at school:
Now I lay me down to rest.
I hope I pass tomorrow's test.
If I die before I wake,
That's one less test I have to take.
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6 people have rated this joke: |
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