|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Jill Perlow on 14-Aug-2005 | Cat & MouseSave a mouse, eat a pussy!!
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Jokester Jeff on 13-Aug-2005 | Kennedy and LincolnDont know how much of it is accurate...
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a
warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a
theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Creepy huh?
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Terry W. Gordon on 13-Aug-2005 | More dumb crooksFHM: An Australian man named only as Gordon was riding in a friend's car on a drinking binge when he spotted a highly venomous king brown snake by the side of the road. Gordon picked the snake up with his left hand ("because I had a beer in the right one") and was bitten. Then, instead of leaving the reptile, he put it in a plastic bag and the pair drove off. "For some stupid reason," says Gordon, "I then stuck my hand back in the bag and it bit me another eight times." Gordon's pal kept him awake by "whacking my head and pouring beer on me," and eventually called an ambulance from a nearby hotel. Gordon lived, but he lost his arm.
---------
Bonehead of the Day Award (Bonehead. Oddballs.com): Scotsman Wesley Matthews was charged with bigamy after his first wife found out that he had another wife...living across the street! He got six months in prison.
---------
Reuters: A pair of Canadians, Jason Robertson, 26, and Thomas Valliere, 24, wanted cocaine, so they twice called a number on the Cayman Islands and reached, not their dealer, but Jeff Jackson, the deputy chief of the combined Police and Customs Drugs Task Force for the Caymans. The two men insisted they had the right number and told Jackson they wanted to buy cocaine. Police met them, not with drugs but with coffee creamer and took them away after the sale was completed.
---------
Universal Press Syndicate: Adam Brooks Jr., 17, admitted to a judge in Columbus, Ohio, that he was the one who broke into a woman's home, tied her up and stole the car out of her garage. According to the victim, after Brooks tied her up, he came back in from the garage three times, twice to get her to teach him how to use the garage-door opener and once to tell him how to operate a car with automatic transmission.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Max Willman on 13-Aug-2005 | 9-1-1 callsGoofy 9-1-1 calls from the new book "What's the Number for 9-1-1?: America's Wackiest 9-1-1 Calls" by Leland H. Gregory III (Andrews McMeel Publishing):
Caller: "These bee-droppings are ruining my roof!"
A woman dialed 9-1-1 in the middle of a rainstorm to ask if police could give her a ride to avoid getting her new hairdo wet.
Caller: "Please connect me to Switzerland."
Paramedics, responding to an "abdominal evisceration," arrived at the caller's residence to find a 13-year-old boy lying on a bed. They quickly examined the boy but could find nothing wrong with him. When they asked why he had called 9-1-1, the boy told them he had "stuff" coming out of his navel. Further investigation revealed the "stuff" to be belly-button lint.
9-1-1 Dispatcher: "Fire or emergency?"
Caller: "Neither. My son was bothering me. I just wanted to let you know."
Caller: "Can you tell me when the next earthquake is?"
Velma Ann Wantlin of Houma, La., called 9-1-1 to report that her husband was preventing her from watching "Knots Landing."
9-1-1 Dispatcher: "9-1-1. Please state your emergency." Caller: "Yeah, am I talking to a real operator or is this a recording?" Dispatcher: "This is a real operator. Please state your emergency." Caller: "Are you sure you're a real person? You sort of sound like a recording."
Dispatcher (irritated): "I'm a real person, sir!"
Caller: "OK. Now you sound like a real operator."
9-1-1 Dispatcher: "Are you conscious?"
Caller: "No."
A man in La Vergne, Tenn., called 9-1-1 to report that his wife was pouring all his beer down the drain.
Caller: "My phone doesn't work."
9-1-1 Dispatcher: "Fire and ambulance."
Caller: "Yes sir, I need an ambulance for my son. He has his finger stuck in a Hot Wheels car."
Dispatcher: "I'm sorry, sir. Is this an emergency?"
Caller: "Well, it's his favorite one!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Patrick Gaspar on 13-Aug-2005 | Funeral ArrangementsWhen a funeral parlor called Tom Mabe, an unemployed Louisville, Ky., musician, and tried to sell him a burial plan, Mabe decided to have some fun. He told the salesman he was waiting for a sign from God as to whether he should kill himself, and the funeral call was it. "You're the angel of death, man," he told the salesman.
Unfazed, the funeral man said, "If we can get the paperwork out to you this afternoon, can you hold off killing yourself until tomorrow?"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
