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Events Jokes (3987):Weird News Jokes (227): Tightwad Contest


Posted by Brad H on 13-Aug-2005

Tightwad Contest

A Tightwad Contest in Oakland has been won by a retired welder who separates two-ply toilet paper to save money.

"It's no trouble at all; it just takes a little practice," said Luis Torres, 64, who won top honors in a "How Cheap Are You?" contest sponsored by the Oakland Tribune. He also buys generic groceries and day-old baked goods, reuses plastic bags and never tosses out soap slivers. "I always did things to save money," said Torres, who attributes his frugal ways to growing up with 14 siblings.

Runners-up included a Berkeley couple who said they save dental floss on a bathroom hook for reuse, and a Richmond man who claimed he refreezes used ice cubes. (One couple said they collect 2-for-1 coupons to restaurants and then invite another couple. "We make them pay for their half, and we dine free," they wrote.) And from Elmer Hurren in El Cerrito came this admission: When his vacuum cleaner bag fills, Hurren cuts one end, empties it and sews it up for reuse.


   

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Events Jokes (3987):Weird News Jokes (227): The New Hatfields and McCoys


Posted by D M. C on 13-Aug-2005

The New Hatfields and McCoys

True news article

UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE -- The Pikeville, Ky., City Commission has granted permission to the McCoy family to hold a three-day reunion in June 2000, to which members of the Hatfield family have been invited for a McCoy-Hatfield softball game. (During the 1870s and 1880s, the two Appalachian families had one of the most notorious feuds in U.S. history, marked by 12 deaths.)


   

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Events Jokes (3987):Weird News Jokes (227): Truth in Advertising


Posted by Stibly Shibmaster on 13-Aug-2005

Truth in Advertising

A sign found posted outside a steakhouse:

(picture of a pig)
(picture of a cow)

suspects wanted dead or medium rare


   

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Events Jokes (3987):Weird News Jokes (227): Watch for this news


Posted by Dipankar on 13-Aug-2005

Watch for this news

UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE -- A 41-year-old Springfield, Ill., man reported that another man who lives at the same residence may have stolen his glass eye. Both men have glass eyes, but the alleged victim said his was missing from his pocket and another one was left in its place. The victim admitted he did not see the exchange."


   

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Events Jokes (3987):Weird News Jokes (227): On Drinking and Hangovers


Posted by Samantha L. Jones on 13-Aug-2005

On Drinking and Hangovers

And speaking of hangovers:

In Haiti, locals cure them voodoo-style, by sticking 13 black-headed pins into the cork of the bottle that caused the problem.

George IV, England's fattest king, ate breakfasts consisting of three beefsteaks and two pigeons washed down with a bottle of wine, half a bottle of champagne, two glasses of port and several glasses of brandy.

One of Napoleon's top soldiers, Gen. Bisson, drank eight bottles of wine a day ­ with breakfast.

Was Noah the first farmer to get plowed? As we read in Genesis, "Noah was the first tiller of the soil. He planted a vineyard, and he drank of the wine and became drunk."

Talk about miracles!
Back in the 1500s, St. Brigid of Ireland changed her bath water into beer for thirsty guests at her Kildare abbey. The drinkers reported that the beer had a "saintlike" taste.

In 1632, the weekly children's food ration in a British hospital included two gallons of beer.

After dying in the battle of Trafalgar, Admiral Lord Nelson was shipped back to England in a cask of brandy -- to keep his body fresh for his funeral. After his pickled corpse was removed, the brandy was served to his sailors so they could drink a toast to their fallen commander.

The thirstiest beer-drinkers in the world live in the Northern Territory of Australia, where each man, woman and child chugs an average of 61 gallons per year.

When Philip the Handsome of Spain drank himself to death 500 years ago, his wife, Joanna, took to drink herself -- and for three years, she kept Philip's corpse in bed with her, drinking toasts to his health each morning and night. The smell of the corpse finally forced the servants to remove it one day after Joanna had passed out.


   

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Events Jokes (3987):Weird News Jokes (227): Ode to the 90s


Posted by Tom Dunlap on 13-Aug-2005

Ode to the 90s

ON JAN. 1, 2000, I'll wear a T shirt that says:

"I Survived This Decade"
in a french blue shirt
and a gold tie.
a thousand cappuccinos.
a hundred martinis.
It didn't rock
but it didn't suck
either.

I part-time telecommuted
as a Webmaster
for a dot com
in Y2K consulting.
They said it was
temp-to-perm.

it didn't pay
but there were options.
I swung by the office to make trades.
(Not that there's anything
wrong with that.)
cause we had a T1 Line
and there was a bull market
with a strong,
virile President.
and you never knew
when it could
crash.

I was a millionaire at 27
for thirty seconds.

I dug grunge.
then eighties.
Tony Bennet.
then Chumbawumba.
how bizzare.
how bizzare.
smoked Cohibas.
(Not that there's anything
wrong with that.)
but I didn't inhale.

Alrighty, then...

I learned HTML
and swing dancing.
moved to Seattle
but I was back on the redeye.
why did I eat
those krispy kremes?
it all seemed like a good idea
at the time.

I had a Pentium III
yeah
baby
yeah
with 9 gigs and a DVD.
It can do anything
even play movies.

I fell in love
in a chatroom
with a .BMP
I got the .JPEG
I wasn't so sure.....
I got emails,
but I couldn't Reply
my server was down
and our IT can't handle the MIS.
And my email didn't allow enclosures...
her ICQ was in my PDA
but I upgraded and
the memory's gone.


   

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Events Jokes (3987):Weird News Jokes (227): 1998 Predictions for 1999


Posted by Laurie Hiestand on 13-Aug-2005

1998 Predictions for 1999

Some 1999 predictions made in December 1998 by Supermarket Tabloid psychics, as collected by "Skeptical Inquirer" magazine:

*"Marijuana will replace petroleum as America's chief source of energy."

*"The Roseanne Show" will do a week of shows at a nudist colony."

*"Wynonna Judd will become a female wrestler."


   

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Events Jokes (3987):Weird News Jokes (227): Why not the Aughts?


Posted by Zak on 13-Aug-2005

Why not the Aughts?

Apparently a real ad created to convince the public to call the new decade "The Aughts"

"Because 'the-decade-the- ice-caps-melted-and-everyone­moved-into-stilt-houses-and-drank-their-own-urine-to-survive' just isn't very catchy."


   

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Events Jokes (3987):Weird News Jokes (227): Falling Times


Posted by raymond s. dawood on 13-Aug-2005

Falling Times

Approximate time it would take you to drop from the top of Mount Everest: 2 1/2 minutes

from the top of the Empire State Building: 10 seconds

from the top of the Great Pyramid in Giza: 5 seconds

from the top of Big Ben: 4 seconds

asleep reading this joke: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz


   

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Events Jokes (3987):Weird News Jokes (227): Coping With Job Stress


Posted by goin' wild on 13-Aug-2005

Coping With Job Stress

At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like to share with you.

When you have had one of those 'Take This Job And Shove It' days, try this:

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip". Be sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that says "every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY tested.

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip company."


   

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