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| Posted by MonkeyGirl on 13-Aug-2005 | Embarrassing Moments...The following are the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine.
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'While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' 'The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter' -Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia
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'It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. 'As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. 'Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.' -Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
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One of the funniest 'most-embarrassing-moment' stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.' That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'tampax' for 'THUMBTACKS.' In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?'
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| Posted by Kate D. Great on 09-Aug-2005 | Teen-age girls often have babiesTeen-age girls often have babies fathered by men: The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty: Newsday, July 11
Man shoots neighbor with machete: The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes: The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Real newspaper headlinesThese are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the United States and world.
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows: The New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies: The Los Angeles Times, March 2
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future: The Oregonian, January 28
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning: The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold: Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
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| Posted by bubblegut on 13-Aug-2005 | Humorous TriviaIf you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza everyday.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?, Who cares!)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. That makes the catfish #1 for the animal having the most taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, Geez!)
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. (More, Oh Geez!)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)
After reading all these, all I can say is.. "Damn Pigs"!!!
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| Posted by I Luv Jason Williams on 14-Aug-2005 | When Reality Is Better then Fiction1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended
victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered
down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most
concerned, this time it worked.
2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the
limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to
restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure
have got fat in four years.'
3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat
cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a
claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting
negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was
approved.
4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti,
Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly
leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave.
Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman
bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed
by a passing car.
5. An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be
attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon.
Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by
piranha fish.
6. A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts
from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course
when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passerby in Kuala Lumpur
and tried to twist his head off. The passerby was treated at a
local hospital for a sprained neck.
7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was
charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the
latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.
8. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his
car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to
find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her
dead. (I am not saying this is right... but I understand...It's
a Chicago thang'...)
9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979
was taste in clothing.
10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean
bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to
be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting
to admit his imcompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop
and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered
the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that
the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
11. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has
been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin,
Ken E Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had
suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but,
having no revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his
cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet
always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic.
12. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having
a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their
health. However, to compensate for this, condemned men will
instead be permitted to chew a stick of celery.
13. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday
recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming
train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad
told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could
get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
14. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a
Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol - after he
was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport.
15. Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government,
which has banned kite-flying, TV watching and wearing white
socks, Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens.
Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be
made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was
'a public insult,' as it was a blind imitation of Westerners.
16. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to
give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's
swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say
"Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother
turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her
daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her
reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window
and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an
screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying
attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am.
It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in
the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show
up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."
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| Posted by Endorf on 14-Aug-2005 | Grammar MistakeThis was an actual message on the top of an ice cream truck:
Instead of "Slow, Children At Play", this was put on:
SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY
How a comma can make all the difference...
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| Posted by Shawn Nocilla on 13-Aug-2005 | Amazing but True FactsEditor's Note: I have been unable to verify ANY of this, but if it's true, it really is Amazing... It'll kill a few minutes of your day reading it if nothing else...
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* The term "bank teller" originated in the wake of the 1929 stock market crash, when banks began hiring low-paid workers to "tell" throngs of frantic depositors that their money was gone.
* Scandinavian berserkers used to cut out their eyes before battle to spare themselves the sight of the carnage they invariably wrought.
* The city of Slaughter, Texas (population: 11,284), has never had a homicide occur within its boundaries.
* Rubbing Tabasco on one's upper lip before bedtime is an effective temporary cure for sleep apnea.
* British pop singer Baby Spice is the great-great-great-great-great-great-grandniece of Archduke William Pinkley-Hogue of Standishfordshire, making her 103rd in line for the throne of England.
* Moths are unable to fly during an earthquake.
* When in heat, female hippopotami secrete an oil with a flavor similar to strawberries. Kalahari bushmen use the oil to make flat-bread treats for children.
* Ingesting small doses of ink over an extended period of time will change your eye color slightly.
* To commemorate ratification of the 19th Amendment in 1920, U.S. playing card manufacturers replaced "staffs" with "hearts" as the fourth suit in the deck. The world soon followed.
* When subjected to an electric current of at least 50 volts, a cat's tail always points toward the north.
* Scientists estimate that sleep lost due to daylight saving time reduces the average lifespan by nearly two full months.
* No NCAA basketball team from a school located in its state's capital has ever won the national championship.
* Shortly before his execution, Timothy McVeigh constructed a scale model of the Lincoln Memorial with soda crackers.
* Strains of bacteria similar to E. coli have been found in spent printer cartridges -- but only in the cyan ones. Scientists have no explanation.
* The Australian aborigine language has over 30 words for "dust."
* Fewer divorces occur in families in which the children wake their parents before 6 a.m. on Saturdays.
* For over a decade, the number of drive-by shootings has been directly proportional to increased gas prices.
* Two-thirds of all the world's coriander comes from a single valley in Italy.
* Baking soda and vinegar will make your scrambled eggs fluffier.
* Ancient Egyptians used molted cobra skins as condoms.
* Customs officials have dogs that are trained to distinguish between Cuban cigars and all other cigars.
* Female black cats can actually see their shadows at night.
* The National Weather Service will pay $30 for the rights to any original photograph of lightning.
* Nearly three percent of the ice in Antarctic glaciers is penguin urine.
* With the exception of a small 200-square-mile section of Antarctica, every single square kilometer of dry land on the planet has been walked on by at least one human being.
* In the weightlessness of space a frozen pea will explode if it comes in contact with Pepsi.
* Smearing a small amount of dog feces on an insect bite will relieve the itching and swelling.
* The Boeing 747 is capable of flying upside-down if it weren't for the fact that the wings would shear off when trying to roll it over.
* The trucking company Elvis Presley worked at as a young man was owned by Frank Sinatra.
* The only golf course on the island of Tonga has 15 holes, and there's no penalty if a monkey steals your golf ball.
* SCUBA divers cannot pass gas at depths of 33 feet or below.
* Catfish are the only animals that naturally have an ODD number of whiskers.
* Polar bears can eat as many as 86 penguins in a single sitting.
* The Air Force's F-117 fighter uses aerodynamics discovered during research into how bumblebees fly.
* Silly Putty was "discovered" as the residue left behind after the first latex condoms were produced. It's not widely publicized for obvious reasons.
* The volume of water that the Giant Sequoia tree consumes in a 24-hour period contains enough suspended minerals to pave 17.3 feet of a 4-lane concrete freeway.
* King Henry VIII slept with a gigantic axe.
* Because printed materials are being replaced by CD-ROM, microfiche and the Internet, libraries that previously sank into their foundations under the weight of their books are now in danger of collapsing in extremely high winds.
* Touch-tone telephone keypads were originally planned to have buttons for Police and Fire Departments, but they were replaced with * and # when the project was cancelled in favor of developing the 911 system.
* Human saliva has a boiling point three times that of regular water.
* Calvin, of the "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip, was patterned after President Calvin Coolidge, who had a pet tiger as a boy.
* Watching an hour-long soap opera burns more calories than watching a three-hour baseball game.
* You can actually sharpen the blades on a pencil sharpener by wrapping your pencils in aluminum foil before inserting them.
* Urine from male cape water buffaloes is so flammable that some tribes use it for lantern fuel.
* Due to the angle at which the optic nerve enters the brain, staring at a blue surface during sex greatly increases the intensity of orgasms.
* Never hold your nose and cover your mouth when sneezing, as it can blow out your eyeballs.
* Due to the natural "momentum" of the ocean, saltwater fish cannot swim backwards.
* In ancient Greece, children of wealthy families were dipped in olive oil at birth to keep them hairless throughout their lives.
* Because of the curvature of the Earth, it is nearly three miles farther to fly from Amarillo, Texas to Louisville, Kentucky than it is to return from Louisville to Amarillo.
* The original inspiration for Barbie dolls comes from dolls developed by German propagandists in the late 1930s to impress young girls with the ideal notions of Aryan features. The proportions for Barbie were actually based on those of Eva Braun.
* The Venezuelan brown bat can detect and dodge individual raindrops in mid-flight, arriving safely back at his cave completely dry.
* The Mongolian pony is the only animal other than an elephant capable of fending off an attack by a healthy adult tiger.
* Because of their unusual shape, Hershey's Kisses contain more calories per ounce than the same amount of chocolate in other forms.
* If the air in your car's tires is not completely replaced every two years, it can turn to liquid and cause severe damage.
* If you tar and feather a 2x4 and place it in your yard, it will ward off bats.
* The largest home in the United States, North Carolina's Biltmore House, was originally intended to be the official residence of a new monarchy to be established when the South rose again.
* The Toltec calendar was based on a 360-day year, with each day being about 24 hours and 20 minutes long.
* Nobody born in Kentucky has ever been elected to Congress.
* In an effort to improve the nutritional value of its "Shamrock shakes," McDonald's colors them with broccoli extract.
* Winston Churchill was born with a third nipple, which he removed himself with nail-clippers at the age of 14.
* Only a single dissenting vote prevented the death penalty in Texas from being carried out by immersing the convicted person in a nest of fire ants.
* If you place a fresh Viagra tablet in a houseplant's soil every six months, the plant will not wilt.
* The noun "sled" originates from the name of a 18th-century mountaineer from Finland, Schletz Linden, whose body was used by his climbing partner to slide down a mountain during a winter storm after he froze to death.
* If a cricket were the size of Mount Rushmore, it could jump to the moon.
* The increase in the amount of metals mined and brought to the surface of the earth in order to manufacture SUVs has caused higher tides in the Northern Hemisphere.
* Children conceived on airplanes never suffer from motion sickness.
* The life span of dogs allowed to dine in cat litter boxes is on average 18 percent longer than that of dogs restricted to commercial diets.
* Blue water in a toilet bowl causes males to urinate 7 percent more.
* The melody of the classic hymn "Amazing Grace" originated from a 12th-century pagan song celebrating masturbation.
* A 9-volt battery contains roughly the same amount of kinetic energy as a bowl of Lucky Charms.
* The Yanomami tribesmen of the Amazon basin can track game birds by the slight difference in warmth their shadows create on the forest floor as they fly by, for up to an hour after the birds have departed.
* Rapid deforestation has decreased the friction of the surface of the Earth, causing it to spin infinitesimally faster and thereby cool the air, combating global warming.
* The flush toilet was invented in Flushing, NY.
* On occasions when the sun is shining brightly on falling snowflakes, they contain enough ionic charge to stun insects. Observation of this phenomenon inspired the invention of the bug zapper.
* Over the last two decades, more Americans died of heart attacks while watching horror movies in movie theaters than died while sky-diving.
* Every common food product, with the exception of fish and veal, contains some traces of peanut enzymes.
* The number of words in the Bible divided by the number of verses equals exactly 666.
* An 18th-century law still on the books in Vermont makes it illegal for a woman to lick a stamp in a public place.
* Constipation kills nearly twice as many people as diarrhea, mainly because the former mostly afflicts the old and weak while the latter mostly affects young, strong children.
* It is physically impossible to urinate and give blood at the same time.
* If you fill a standard 750ml wine bottle with live hornets, their angry buzzing will resonate at precisely the right frequency to shatter the glass.
* During his famous "Blue Period," Pablo Picasso invented the substance that eventually became known as Play-Doh.
* Every year in the fall, Niagara Falls is shut down for maintenance for 24 hours. The flow is diverted using a massive series of pipes and spigots built for this purpose in 1837.
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| Posted by Jill Perlow on 14-Aug-2005 | Cat & MouseSave a mouse, eat a pussy!!
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| Posted by Jokester Jeff on 13-Aug-2005 | Kennedy and LincolnDont know how much of it is accurate...
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a
warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a
theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Creepy huh?
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