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| Posted by Wild Bill on 08-Aug-2005 | Mouse ballsSubject: MOUSE BALLS
> How To Replace Mouse Balls
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
Jenna
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| Posted by nick on 09-Aug-2005 | Nursing HomeNo nursing home for me. I am checking into the Holiday Inn!
With the average cost for a nursing home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night.
That leaves $138.77 a day for:
Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.
Laundry, movies, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
$5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance.
If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?
So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all my email to: me@Holiday.Inn
Submitted by Sherri
Edited by Tantilazing
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| Posted by NoraLora on 12-Aug-2005 | Diary of a New Snow ShovelerDiary of a New Snow Shoveler
Decenber 8th 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9th
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12th
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor
December 14th
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The
cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back into shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15th
20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska after all..
December 16th
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel
Decenber 17th
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. God I hate it when she's right. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're to busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying..
December 22nd
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23rd
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts?> Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24th
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was
having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25th
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%%^&*(!-slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shove. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her
December 26th
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was ALL HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27th
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28th
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me
crazy!!!!!
December 29th
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever hear. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30th
The roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her Mother. 9" predicted.
December 31st
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.
Januare 8th
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.Why am I tied to the bed?????
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| Posted by Kamaka Pili on 14-Aug-2005 | Embarrassing MomentsThe following are the first three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moment's Contest in New Woman Magazine.
"It was Christmas Eve, and I was on my feet all day working behind the cosmetics counter. I decided I would find a place to sit for a moment. I spied a tall plastic trash can and plopped down, resting my feet on a cardboard box. I allowed my body to ease into the can. About that time a few customers came to the register to check out, but I couldn't get out of the trash can. I was stuck; I couldn't believe it. The customers came around the counter to help me - some pulled my arms while others held the can. Then my manager came to the counter, wanting to know what was going on. He said he was going to call the fire department, who blasted in with sirens and lights. My hips had created a vacuum, so they had to cut me out of the trash can with a giant pair of scissors." -Linda Evans; Winter Park, Florida
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go *right now*, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter" -Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia
"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins - and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again." -Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
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| Posted by aurie whatsyourproblem on 09-Aug-2005 | Blonde in D.C.A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted
to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so
she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how
do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at
this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."
She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the
Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That
was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
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| Posted by Steven on 09-Aug-2005 | Chilli CookoffNotes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
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| Posted by E- D on 12-Aug-2005 | All I want for Cristmas...About two weeks before Christmas, a little Catholic boy decided to write a letter to Santa. He started "Dear Santa...", he thought "No, I will go to a higher authority", so he decided to write a letter to Jesus.
"Dear Jesus,
If you get me a bike for Christmas, I will be good for two weeks.."
"NO NO NO NO I can't be good for two weeks", he thought to himself.
So he started all over again...
"Dear Jesus,
If you get me a bike for Christmas I will be good for one week."
"NO NO NO NO I can't be good for one week", he thought to himself.
So he quickly ran to the Study room and grabbed their statue of Mary, and quickly wrapped it up in a blanket.
He started all over again.
"Dear Jesus,
I have your mother...if you ever want to see her again...get me a bike for Christmas!"
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| Posted by Mike smith on 09-Aug-2005 | Pray for McDonaldsA Mother and her five year old son were headed to McDonald's one day. On the way they passed a car accident.
As was the tradition when they see
something terrible like that, they say a prayer for those who might be hurt.
The mother pointed and said to her son, "We should pray."
From the back seat she heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to
McDonald's."
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| Posted by Lexi M. Johnson on 09-Aug-2005 | Boring math classYears ago, I was taking an algebra class over the summer, and had a teacher who liked to reminisce about his past with funny stories. He relates that he had been a math teacher in the Air Force, where it was his duty to force sleepy young recruits to stay awake for an hour of math at 8:00 in the morning in a large, warm, dimly-lit auditorium. One day, he came into the auditorium and saw his class even sleepier and less attentive than usual. He realized that something drastic would have to be done.
Now this classroom was very old, and the blackboards, which had been nailed on to the walls with old black iron nails, had become loose over the years. As a result, these black nails jutted almost invisibly from the blackboard and this teacher kept banging his hands on them while erasing the board. He decided to put them to good use.
With enough of a flourish to guarantee the class's attention, he went to the front of the room, near one edge of the board. Then, clearing his throat, he drew a coathook right near one of the protruding nails. He proceeded to hang his coat and hat on the hook that he had drawn in chalk (really on the nail, of course). Then he went on to give that day's lecture. He told us that the entire class had their eyes to the front of the room throughout the lecture. He didn't know if they'd heard a single word he'd said, but at least they looked attentive.
At the end of the class, the lecturer would usually leave by a small door near the blackboards, while the class would leave through the large doors at the back of the hall. When class was over, he took his coat and hat, erased the coathook, and left through the small door--and was followed by the entire class, lining up to go past the blackboard to see how he'd done it.
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| Posted by mandy on 09-Aug-2005 | In October, a 49-year-old SanIn October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off of a
200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
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