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| Posted by Steven on 09-Aug-2005 | Chilli CookoffNotes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
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| Posted by E- D on 12-Aug-2005 | All I want for Cristmas...About two weeks before Christmas, a little Catholic boy decided to write a letter to Santa. He started "Dear Santa...", he thought "No, I will go to a higher authority", so he decided to write a letter to Jesus.
"Dear Jesus,
If you get me a bike for Christmas, I will be good for two weeks.."
"NO NO NO NO I can't be good for two weeks", he thought to himself.
So he started all over again...
"Dear Jesus,
If you get me a bike for Christmas I will be good for one week."
"NO NO NO NO I can't be good for one week", he thought to himself.
So he quickly ran to the Study room and grabbed their statue of Mary, and quickly wrapped it up in a blanket.
He started all over again.
"Dear Jesus,
I have your mother...if you ever want to see her again...get me a bike for Christmas!"
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| Posted by Mike smith on 09-Aug-2005 | Pray for McDonaldsA Mother and her five year old son were headed to McDonald's one day. On the way they passed a car accident.
As was the tradition when they see
something terrible like that, they say a prayer for those who might be hurt.
The mother pointed and said to her son, "We should pray."
From the back seat she heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to
McDonald's."
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| Posted by Lexi M. Johnson on 09-Aug-2005 | Boring math classYears ago, I was taking an algebra class over the summer, and had a teacher who liked to reminisce about his past with funny stories. He relates that he had been a math teacher in the Air Force, where it was his duty to force sleepy young recruits to stay awake for an hour of math at 8:00 in the morning in a large, warm, dimly-lit auditorium. One day, he came into the auditorium and saw his class even sleepier and less attentive than usual. He realized that something drastic would have to be done.
Now this classroom was very old, and the blackboards, which had been nailed on to the walls with old black iron nails, had become loose over the years. As a result, these black nails jutted almost invisibly from the blackboard and this teacher kept banging his hands on them while erasing the board. He decided to put them to good use.
With enough of a flourish to guarantee the class's attention, he went to the front of the room, near one edge of the board. Then, clearing his throat, he drew a coathook right near one of the protruding nails. He proceeded to hang his coat and hat on the hook that he had drawn in chalk (really on the nail, of course). Then he went on to give that day's lecture. He told us that the entire class had their eyes to the front of the room throughout the lecture. He didn't know if they'd heard a single word he'd said, but at least they looked attentive.
At the end of the class, the lecturer would usually leave by a small door near the blackboards, while the class would leave through the large doors at the back of the hall. When class was over, he took his coat and hat, erased the coathook, and left through the small door--and was followed by the entire class, lining up to go past the blackboard to see how he'd done it.
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| Posted by mandy on 09-Aug-2005 | In October, a 49-year-old SanIn October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off of a
200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
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| Posted by Stephen W. Gradwell on 12-Aug-2005 | Dear God (Christmas)Johnny was, by all accounts, the worst eight year old kid on earth. He stole, lied, beat-up his sister, just about any trouble this kid could get into, he did. Nonetheless, Johnny wanted a bicycle for Christmas.
Johnny goes to his mother and demands, "Mom, for Christmas, I want a bicycle!" To this his mother replies, "Yea, right, ... Santa's not comming to THIS house you little brat, you've stolen from all the neighbors, shoplifted, beat-up kids at school, you'll be lucky if you even get a lump of coal."
Enraged, Johnny storms up to his room. After about an hour, he decides he will appeal his case to God. So he grabs a tablet and starts to write his letter to God.
Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I will never steal again... "No, that won't work. God will know I'm lying." So he tears up this letter and starts again.
Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I'll wash Mom's dishes for all year... "No, that won't work. God will know I'm lying." So he tears up this letter and starts again.
Evenually, Johnny uses up the entire tablet and has only one sheet left but still no letter to God. Then it hits him. He runs out of the house and down to the church. In the church, he finds the Madona and snatches it, runs home, and hides it under the bed. Then he writes:
Dear God, If you ever want to see your mother again, have Santa Claus deliver a bicycle to my house on Christmas...
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| Posted by Alli E. Suriani on 12-Aug-2005 | Why Black?A woman was getting married. She entered the church wearing a black wedding gown that surprised everyone.
The pastor was a bit annoyed and asked her, "Why are you dressed up in black?"
The woman replied, "Well, that's because I'm not a virgin."
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| Posted by Lisa M. Funkychicken on 12-Aug-2005 | Marry MeHe really loved her but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage, much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "Judith?"
"Yes, this is Judith." "Will you marry me?" "Of course. Who's speaking?"
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| Posted by Wicked Jeff on 12-Aug-2005 | 12 days of Christmas (Santa Cruz style)THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.... SANTA CRUZ STYLE...
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival,
my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship
gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual
drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for
in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a
note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing
milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal
products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,
(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to
throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and
partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid
further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has
been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree
carcasses and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
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