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| Posted by Ronald Soe-Win on 14-Aug-2005 | Share Everything 50/50A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at
McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an
extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully
divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one
for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra
cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to
eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her
lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase
another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years,
and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and
she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."
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| Posted by Lowell E. Parson on 14-Aug-2005 | ParkinsonsAn elderly widowed gentleman in a nursing home became very
friendly with an elderly lady. He told her his former wife used
to hold his penis every night to help him go to sleep.
The elderly lady decided to do this for her new male friend
every night for a week. Each night he fell soundly asleep. The
next week the gentleman told the lady that he was sorry but he
had found a new partner. She was very upset and asked him, "What
does she have that I don't have?"
He replied, "Parkinsons."
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| Posted by JSBulldog89 on 14-Aug-2005 | Write It Down!An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things,
so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make
sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor
about the problems they were having with their memory. After
checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were
physically okay but might want to start writing things down and
make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while
watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks,
"Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl
of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you
should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top.
You had better write that down because I know you'll forget
that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I
know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write
that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her
a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I TOLD
you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
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| Posted by Sarah M. Jacobs on 14-Aug-2005 | Niagra? Viagra?What is the differance between Niagra and Viagra?
One goes up and the onter goes down.
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| Posted by KissyFace on 14-Aug-2005 | Getting Old"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and
make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your
pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of
your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just
as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need
to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in
the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee.
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| Posted by Katie Hersberger on 14-Aug-2005 | Wanna Be RichA knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so
she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning
to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite
of the half-century age difference. The first night of her
honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of
the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to
cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of
earplugs and a pair of nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone
desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand:
the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
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| Posted by L Y on 14-Aug-2005 | Apples and OrangesA young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons,
kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a
brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young
girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on
the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood,
but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked
curiously," What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let
grandma in on her little secret, the young girl said that some
people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up
for some.
"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some
myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the
line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning
all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the
line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my
dentures, and suck 'em dry".
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| Posted by herman g. romanutti on 14-Aug-2005 | Good Old TimeA ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when
a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his
tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a
twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't
understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make
love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and
then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets
a break, she rushes home and we have more sex, the best an old
man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we
make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It
sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I
live."
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| Posted by Miapol Miapol on 14-Aug-2005 | Wise Old Gentleman vs. Noisy KidsA wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a
junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his
retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year
began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of
youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating
merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing
percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old
man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young
percussionists as they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to
see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do
the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll
give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every
day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do
a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this
time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really
putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on,
I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later,
the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way
down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check
yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents.
Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think
we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a
quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man
enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days
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| Posted by David P. Coyle on 14-Aug-2005 | Old RelativesWhen I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
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