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| Posted by David P. Coyle on 14-Aug-2005 | Old RelativesWhen I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
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| Posted by Garth H. Shack on 14-Aug-2005 | God's Doing a Better Job!A grandfather and granddaugher were sitting and talking when the
young girl asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me
too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her
grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her
grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last
she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job
lately."
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| Posted by Big-T Taylor on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs You That You're Really Old10.You can play connect-the-dots on your liver spots.
9. Went to an antique auction...three people bid on you.
8. Used to put cream in your coffee;now you use formaldehyde.
7. You knew Alexander the Great when he was just mediocre.
6. Still growing hair, but only only in your nose.
5. You sprinkle tenderizer on you applesause.
4. They ask to check your check your bags, and your not carrying
any.
3. Prostate now the size of a pumpkin.
2. Your birth certificate is written in hierogylphics.
1. You've even got wrinkles on your teeth
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| Posted by D Anon on 14-Aug-2005 | Medical MiracleAn 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six
months together, the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to
her doctor.
The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones,
you're going to be a mother."
"Get serious doctor, I'm 80."
"I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it
was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."
"I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She
walked down the hall and around the corner to where the
telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband.
"Hello," she heard in his familiar halting voice.
She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!"
There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered,
"Who's calling please?"
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| Posted by SwEeTiE PiE on 14-Aug-2005 | Sex Shop PatronA little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the
front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her
feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the
counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for
support, she asks the sales clerk, "Ddddoo youuu hhhave
ddddildos?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out
laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry
many models." The old woman then asks, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu
hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt
tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ccccccannnn yyyyouu tttelll mmmeee hhhoww ttttoo ttturrrn ttthe
dddaaammnn ttthinggg offf?"
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| Posted by Ray Lundell on 14-Aug-2005 | Granny BikerA little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club.
One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy,
bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She
proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a
motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over
there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll
drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At
least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the
evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you
ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope ... but
I've been swung around by my nipples a few times.
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| Posted by Laura Brown on 14-Aug-2005 | 3x3Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor
says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn.
What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's
three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just
subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
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| Posted by Happy Hippy Hamster on 14-Aug-2005 | VeterinarianEvery Sunday a little old lady came to church and placed $1,000
in the collection plate, this went on for weeks until the
priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Sister, i
couldn't help but notice that you place $1,000 dollars in the
collection plate every week, he stated." "Oh yes, my son sends
me money and whatever i don't need goes to the church" "That's
wonderful, how much does your son send you?" "Oh, $2,000 a week'
"Your son must be very succesful, what does he do for a living?"
"He is a Veterinarian," she answerd "That is a very honorable
profession. Where does he practice?" "Well he has one cat house
in Vegas and another in Reno."
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| Posted by Bro on 14-Aug-2005 | I'm Not Saying You're old...........I'm not saying you're old but who else...
...has wrinkles on their teeth.
...sprinkles tenderizer on their applesauce.
...has a pterodactyl for a pet.
...remembers when Baskin-Robins only had two flavors.
...wears steel-belted support hose.
...knew Sleeping Beauty when she was an ugly insomniac.
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| Posted by David P. Coyle on 14-Aug-2005 | old people football an old man and his wife has gone to bed. after lying there for
a few minutes the old man farts and goes " 7 points "
his wife rolls over and goes " what in the world does that mean "
the old man said " its fart football "
a few minutes later the wife lets one go and goes " touchdown
were tied "
a few minutes later the old man farts again and goes " now im up
14 7 ! "
but then the wife lets one rip and there tied again 14 14
then the wife lets out a squeaker and goes " feild goal " im up
17 14
knowing the man cant be beaten by his wife he gives it all he
has and instead of farting he poops in his pants
the wife goes " what the hell was that? "
the man goes " uh half-time " switch sides!
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