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| Posted by barry K. tanishi on 14-Aug-2005 | Americans were saying in 1959...Here are a few things that Americans were saying in 1959. Some
of you will remember, some will only laugh...
* I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they
are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for
$20.
* Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be
long before $2,000 will only by a used one.
* If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A
quarter a pack is ridiculous.
* Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime
just to mail a letter?
* If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able
to hire outside help at the store.
* When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would
someday cost 30 cents a gallon? Guess we'd be better off leaving
the car in the garage.
* Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail haircuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be
wearing their hair as long as the girls.
* Pretty soon, you won't be able to buy a good 10-cent cigar.
* I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible
to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.
* Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract
for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if
someday they'll be making more than the President.
* I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances
would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.
* It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few
married women have to work to make ends meet.
* It would be long before young couples are going to have to
hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.
* I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door
to a whole lot of foreign business.
* Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the government
takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to Congress.
* The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I
seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
* There is no sense going to the city for a weekend. It costs
nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.
* No one can afford to be sick anymore. $35 a day in the
hospital is too rich for my blood.
* If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the
country, that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains.
* I don't know about you, but if they raise the price of coffee
to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home.
* If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a haircut, forget it. I'll
have my wife learn to cut hair.
* We won't be going out much anymore. Our babysitter informed us
she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees.
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| Posted by Mousie Grr on 14-Aug-2005 | The Most GriefA dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed
most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs
in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we
all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it
is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after
eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding
cake"
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| Posted by Casey M. Champion on 14-Aug-2005 | Old SexAn old man and woman started dating. After a couple of months
they came to the conclusion that it was time that they finally
had sex. One night after a nice date, they decided that it was
time. After all the action was over, they lay silently side by
side thinking about what had just happened
The old man thought to himself, "If I had known she was a virgin
I'd have been more gentle with her."
The old woman thought to herself, "If I'd have known he could
actually get it up I'd have taken off my pantyhose."
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| Posted by Kaero on 14-Aug-2005 | Bad HearingA old man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is
as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at
the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her
a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking
the question until she hears you."
He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen
feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?"
Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and
repeated the question.
Still no reply, so he moved to five feet.
Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's
for dinner tonight?"
She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time,
I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old fart!"
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| Posted by Roxy on 14-Aug-2005 | Life is UnfairThere was a guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts
weights and jogs 6 miles everyday.
One morning, looking in his mirror, he noticed he was sun-tanned
all over...with the exception of his penis...which he readily
decided to do something about.
He went to the beach completely undressed and buried himself in
the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out.
Two little old ladies were strolling on the beach, one using a
cane. Upon seeing this penis sticking out of the sand she began
to move it around with her cane. Remarking to her friend she
said, "there really is no justice in the world." Her friend
asked, "What do you mean?" The cane pusher said while pointing
to the tanning penis...
When I was 20...I was curious.
When I was 30...I enjoyed it.
When I was 40...I asked for it.
When I was 50...I paid for it.
When I was 60...I prayed for it.
When I was 70...I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild and I'm too
damn old to squat!!!
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| Posted by jen on 14-Aug-2005 | Two Old MenOne day, two old men decide that they need some action in their
life. So they decide to go to a whore house to get some.
The head lady of the whore house sees them coming. "Uh oh. Here
come two old ones." she says. "I'm not giving them any of my
girls." She calls one of her girls and tells her to fix two
rooms, and put blow up dolls in the rooms and turn out the
lights.
The men walk up to the counter and place $300 each on the
counter. "Gives us some good ones" laughs the first man. "You're
in luck tonight gentlemen." Says the owner. "We have a moonlight
special, but you have to keep the lights out." The men agree and
go to their rooms to do their thing.
The next day, the men meet up in the park to discuss their
night. "How was it?" the first man asked the second man. "It was
pretty good, she was pretty quiet though. But she kept making
little sqeaky noises. How was yours?" The second man replies, "I
don't know. I think mine was a witch." "Why?" asks the first
man. "Well," said he second man. "I bit her titi and she farted
and flew out the window!"
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| Posted by Robetta Zuck on 14-Aug-2005 | 25th AnniversaryA man and his wife got to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th
Anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25
years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my
naked body in front of you, what was going through you mind?"
The husband repled, "All I wanted to do was to fuck you brains
out, and suck your tits dry."
The as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking
now?"
He replied, "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
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| Posted by ammooni on 14-Aug-2005 | Check upOne day an elderly man had to go to the doctor for his yearly
check-up. He had a hearing problem, so he brought his wife
along. When he got there, the doctor said, "Sir, I need an urine
sample, a feces sample, and a sperm sample."
The man asks his wife, "What'd he say?"
The wife says, "The doctor said show him your underwear."
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| Posted by Labblue* on 14-Aug-2005 | Signs-You're Older Than You Thought- You can live without sex but not without glasses.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks
into the room.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- You are proud of your lawn mower.
- Your best friend is dating someone half their age ... and
isn't breaking any laws.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You make an appointment to see the dentist.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- Neighbors borrow your tools.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
- You send money to PBS.
- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your
pants.
- You wear black socks with sandals.
- You know what the word "equity" means.
- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to
watch television.
- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's
lawn.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
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| Posted by KaBoOm on 14-Aug-2005 | Old Man Got SomeThis ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend
pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and
ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the
other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely
young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined
the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.
Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a
drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful
examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in
sex recently. The old man said, "sure". The doctor asked if he
could remember who the woman was and where she lived.
The old man said, "Sure, why?" The doctor replied "Well you'd
better get over there, you're about to cum."
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