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| Posted by Ron Talley on 09-Aug-2005 | Redneck ValentineA Redneck Valentine ...author unknown
Collards is green my dog's name is Blue and he's all I know of that's purdier than you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have som'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like them far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. "That's awsum," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market stand.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, proud an' grand.
But for this man, honey, these gifts jus' won't do. Cause yo're far too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds... IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!
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| Posted by "Leppy" on 14-Aug-2005 | Chili Eating ContestThese are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from New Jersey and fell into it:
"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the
State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a
chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas
hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I
am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT,
just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and 4 people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, &
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At
least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------
(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
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| Posted by Kia on 14-Aug-2005 | Mountain ManOne day a family was flying over a mountain range when all of a
sudden a the father snapped and threw the two year old baby out
the window. 15 years later, the now 17 year-old baby was
sitting on the hill that he eventually landed on when a squirrel
came up to him and said hi. Shocked, the man said "What did you
say?" The squirrel replied, "I said, hi you shmuck".
Immediately, the man picked up the squirrel and said, "I don't
want any talking squirrels by me," and he kicked the squirrel
off the hill.
About a month later, a bunny came up and said hi. Again
shocked, the man said "What did you say?" The bunny replied, "I
said, hi you dork". Immediately, the man picked up the bunny and
said, "I don't want any talking bunnys by me," and he kicked the
bunny off the hill. About another week later, a mmose came up
and said hi. By this time, the man was frustrated by all these
freakishly mutated animals talking to him, and so he said,
"Listen mmose, I don't wand any talking mmoses by me! GO
AWAY!!!!!!!" and kicked him off the hill. The next morning, an
incredibly irate mouse knocked on his door and woke him up.
Thinking somebody found him stranded in the mountains, he
quickly jumped out of bed and opened the door to find a mouse.
"What do YOU want?" The mouse then picked him up and said, "we
don't want any talking humans by us" and he kicked the man off
the hill, and he died. The End
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| Posted by Bryce m. Reineman on 14-Aug-2005 | Damn YankeeA farmer in his pickup truck in Alabama was driving across a
bridge when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge
ready to jump to his death in the river below. The man stopped
his truck, ran up to the man and said, "Hey fellow, why are you
doing this?"
The man replied, "I have nothing to live for."
The Alabama man said, "Think of your wife and children!"
The jumper replied, "I have no wife or children."
The Alabama man then said, "Then think of your mother and
father!"
The man replied, "Mom and dad passed on many years back."
The Alabama man then said, "Think of General Robert E. Lee!"
The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"
With that the Alabama man said, "Jump you damn Yankee, jump!"
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| Posted by Shelly D. Goss on 09-Aug-2005 | Redneck WifeYou might be a redneck if your jack-o-latern has more teeth than your wife.
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| Posted by Boba Fett on 14-Aug-2005 | True Southerners KnowTrue Southerners know...
* the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.
* pretty much how many fish make up a mess.
* what general direction cattywumpus is.
* that gimme sugar don't mean pass the sugar.
* when somebody's "fixin" to do something it wont be LONG.
* the difference between yankees and damn yankees.
* how good a cold grape nehi and cheese crackers are at a
country store.
* knows what "well I swanee" means.
* ain't nobodys biscuits like grandmas biscuits.
* a good dog is worth his weight in gold.
* real gravy dont come from the store.
* when "by and by" is.
* how to handle their pot likker.
* the difference between "pret' near" and "a right far piece."
* the difference between a redneck and a good ol' boy.
* never go snipe hunting twice.
* at one point learned what happens when you swallow tabacco
juice.
* you should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.
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| Posted by Milehigh on 14-Aug-2005 | RedNeck Show And TellRedneck Show and Tell
i asked people the question, "If you were a redneck, what would
you bring to school for Show and Tell?" Seeing as due to popular
belief, redneck children are required to attend school up until
their early teenage years just like the rest of us (even though
they may not make it far), here are the results of a brief
survey by me.Note that many replies are from biased citizens
from the North. I am sure there are some Confederate entries in
here somewhere, though. Here's our funniest responses (edited
for clarity):
For the 7 year old: a greased pig contest trophy.
For the 11 year old: your pa's gun.
For the 12 year old: one of your brothers.
For the 14 year old: your ma, cause she's purty.
For the 17 year old: your pickup truck, so you can show off your
cool dual exhaust to the rest of your 4th grade class.
A tooth brush that your one-toothed great grandpa made. If it
were made anywhere else in the south, it would have been a teeth
brush.
Pictures of your summer vacation in Bud's Tavern parking lot
that you took while Mom and Dad drank beer for two weeks.
The one person in your family who is your father, uncle, nephew,
and cousin all by marriage.
A mason jar of dad's homemade whiskey.
A cowpie clock made in sunday school last year.
Mom's recipe for turnip-squash casserole.
Roadkill from last night's hunt.
A tractor tire that killed your cousin.
Your lucky rabbit's foot, that your cousin had with him when he
got ran over by that tractor.
A pyramid made out of beer cans.
Your pet pot-belly pig, Bubba Joe.
Your string of teeth that you've lost over the past 35 years of
school.
A relative with a good full set of 4 or 5 teeth.
Your pet pig that was proudly named after mom, and the
accompanying homemade birth videotape made from right inside
your living room! (or should we say the front part of the
trailer)
Your pet goat.
Uncle Wilbur's chewed up tobacco that looks like a duck.
Daddy's "birds and bees teaching material" (Rawhide and Playboy
magazines)
A piece of pa's old moonshine still.
A possum skull from last nights dinner.
A diagram of your family tree, which actually is not
mathematically a tree, since it is cyclic.
Dad's belt buckle for bullriding, a family heirloom kept in the
china cabinet as the platter they use for turkey at Thanksgiving
and Christmas.
Your (or your brother's) tighty whiteys passed down from
Great-Grandpa.
Your children.
Your parents. Why not, they're in the same grade. Heck, they
might already be in the class.
Your Grandmother's army boots
Your redneck dog, with a redneck fish hanging out of its mouth.
Grandma's pantaloons, the ones you use as a swing.
Ten thousand legos.
Roadkill. That way you only have to carry one bag (lunch and
show and tell).
Your dad's old beat-up boots, flannel shirt, holey jeans, and
coon-skin hat.
Cousin "IT." Literally. Uncle Billy-Bob-Joe's kid (that he had
with his sister's dog's neighbor's owner's girlfriend's
hairdresser's daughter, who is Uncle Billy-Bob-Joe's wife's
mother.)
Used shotgun shell casings.
Pictures of your mother's/sister's (one and the same) wedding.
Souvenir from a NASCAR race.
Hand sewn KKK banners.
Confederate flag bumper stickers.
Your favorite entertainment system: your family's bug zapper!
Your first Playboy (or Playgirl) that you got at 3 1/2 years
old.
Teeth that the tooth fairy never picked up.
An aquarium, to show the class how you drown a fish.
A hubcap, to play fetch with your huntin' dogs.
The bouquet of flowers that you caught when your sister/aunt got
hitched to your uncle/cousin.
Your prize-winning pig.
Confederate flags.
A sheep.
Duct tape.
Your cow chip collection, paying special attention to the ones
that look like former presidents!
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| Posted by shawn Nibble on 14-Aug-2005 | Revenge on Telemarketers....*Ring*
Tom Mabe: Hello?
Telemarketer: Yes? Is this Mr. Mabe?
Tom Mabe: Yes.
Telemarketer: Hi. This is Todd from "Bill's Carpet Cleaning,"
Tom Mabe: Uh-huh.
Telemarketer: ...and I've been telling people in your area about
a special one-time, 29--
Tom Mabe: Oh my God, I'm so glad you called... Can you get blood
out of the carpet?
Telemarketer: Um... Yeah, Yeah, we can do that...
Tom Mabe: Because, man, I've got blood all over the place, I've
got it on the floor, the couch, the drapes... It's all over the
place..
Telemarketer: Ok Mr. Mabe, when would you like us to come over?
Tom Mabe: Can you come over right now.. Now would be good...
Telemarketer: Um... I'm not sure I can do that... We can
schedule for another time..
Tom Mabe: What's your name? Todd?
Telemarketer: Yes, Todd.
Tom Mabe: Now, Todd. The law states that if someone comes into
your house, breaks into your house, you can shoot them, right?
Telemarketer: Um... I'm not sure if it says that, why do you
want me to call 911?
Tom Mabe: Do you think that applies to relatives?
Telemarketer: Yeah, I mean, I dunno.
Tom Mabe: No no no no, it's ok... Now Todd, I need you to come
over right now... I mean what do you get paid per week? I'll
double it.. I'll by you a keg, what shoe size do you wear??
Telemarketer: 12.
Want more?
magnum42@mail2billy.com
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| Posted by John T. Rhodes on 14-Aug-2005 | HIlbillyHow did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods?
GOOD!
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| Posted by Chris R. Marshall on 08-Aug-2005 | From Yuppie to Redneck in 25 StepsAre you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?
Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn’t know how?
Is there an inner Cletus inside just hollering to get out?
Well, now you CAN be a redneck!
You will only have to purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That’s all you will need to start!
Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.
1) You are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive with an important professional job; therefore, as you read this, it is assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex.
FIRST, untie and remove high-and-mighty mirror-shined leather shoes. Peel off fancy socks.
DO THIS NOW! It is NOT optional!
Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so don’t deceive yourself - this will be a challenge. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.
Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.
2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.
3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on.
You MUST remain barefoot.
If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on - resist this!
Note: You may feel embarrassed or concerned about your dignity. At any time, you may call our hotline and we will provide support from bona fide bubba counselors. Your dignity will soon disappear – do not worry!
4) This will be your greatest challenge: Prop bare feet on polished office desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.
Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on.
Use necktie to wipe nose.
Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.
Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on otherwise impeccable business suit. Belch. Let out a boisterous laugh.
5) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Dribble on business suit. Discarded dress socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile cans on expensive office carpet.
6) Place tobacco in mouth. Practice spitting stream of tobacco juice on to computer screen or on polished office floor or on important presentation or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit or those Brooks Brothers shoes.
Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See step #3
7) Remove natty necktie, cufflinks, pocket square, tiepin, suspenders and Rolex. Drop all items in garbage can.
8) Strip off expensive Armani business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can. Add briefcase, cell phone and daytimer. Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet. Rip up Ivy League diploma.
Note: Removal of suit will be traumatic for uppity businessmen. Be prepared for shock to system.
9) Put on overalls.
10) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.
11) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying, prestigious, white-collar job and stop working altogether.
Alternative: become a garbageman or janitor or sling hash in a diner.
12) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.
13) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.
14) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.
15) Bathe ONLY twice a week.
16) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all “NG” endings from words - “havin” instead of “having”. Learn to yelp and woop and holler.
17) Sell Porsche.
18) Buy used pickup.
19) Sell condo and furniture.
20) Buy backwoods shack and shotgun rack.
21) Give or throw away all remaining business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts and accessories.
Exception: Give tuxedo and patent leather pumps worn to corporate black-tie events to the homeless man you used to ignore.
22) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to redneck charity. You will not need money.
23) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss episodes. Also, be prepared to defend the position that professional wrasslin' is real and not scripted entertainment.
24) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack. If possible, make use of cinder blocks where tires should be.
25) Have name changed legally from “Mark”, “Andrew”, or “Kevin” to “Cletus”, “Bubba”, “Rufus”, or anything ending in "-bob", such as "Jim-bob"or "Billy-bob".
Congratulations! You, sir are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming! Satisfaction Guaranteed!
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