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| Posted by Stefani Malik on 13-Aug-2005 | Redneck furnicherif your liveing room furnicher is know
your lon furnicher you are a redneck.
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| Posted by michelle someone on 13-Aug-2005 | Rules for a Northerner Moving South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as Bubba. You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'alls is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "Y'all ain't from around here, are ya?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerners vocabulary is the adjective Big ol, as in Big ol truck or big ol boy. Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin' defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, all y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, Laud, have mercy, Good Laud and Laudy, Laudy, Laudy!
27. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
28. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
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| Posted by William G. Jenkins on 14-Aug-2005 | The hillbillyOne day a hillbilly is driving down the road and sees two hitch
hikers. He's a fairly nice fellow and decides to pick them up.
He can instantly tell that they are a little strange but doesn't
really worry about it. They're driving down the road a little
when they hit a bump and one of the hitch hikers lets out an
airy fart. The hillbilly looks over and wonders what is wrong
with that guy. They drive down the road a little more when they
hit another bump and the other hitch hiker lets out and airy
fart. Now the hillbilly wants to laugh because there gas is
just pitiful. He decides to show them what real country gas is
like. So he sits there and tries to work up alot of gas when he
hits a bump and lets out a giant, deafening fart. Now he is
impressed but the hitch hikers are wondering whats wrong. They
start giving each other odd looks when one turns to the other
and exclaims "VIRGIN"
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| Posted by Rebecca Ozment L. Ozment on 14-Aug-2005 | RednecksWhat do you call 32 rednecks in one room? a full set of teeth!
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| Posted by Murph J. Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | 17 ways to tell if a redneck is on your computer1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. The password is, "bubba."
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee
options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with
Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.
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| Posted by Karkas on 14-Aug-2005 | Virginia vs. West VirginiaWhat's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a
misdemeanor.
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| Posted by TheWho on 14-Aug-2005 | Prize pigA farmer, talking to a neighbor, is bragging about his favorite
pig that he owns. He points the pig out to the neighbor. The
neighbor said, "That pig only has three legs--He ain't worth a
hoot." The farmer indignantly replied, "That pig saved my life!
One day I was on my tractor plowing the field near a ditch when
my tractor got too close to the ditch and turned on it's side
trapping me below it with mud up to my nose. That pig burrowed
under the tractor and got me by the back of my collar and
dragged me to safety."
"That's marvelous!" said the neighbor, "But what about the three
legs?"
"Oh, a prize pig like that, you just don't eat all at once!"
replied the farmer.
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| Posted by dontrell on 14-Aug-2005 | You Might Be a Redneck If...Your 2 year old has more teeth than you do.
You mow your lawn and find your long lost convertible.
You mistake the offering plates for an ashtray.
You make change in the offering plate.
You go to family reunions to meet girls.
You call your boss dude.
When you see a sign that says no to crack you pull up your pants.
When your amazed that your son finally said his first word and
he is 21.
When your 5 year old can count higher than you.
When somebody yells hoe down your girfriend drops to the floor.
You go racoon hunting on your honeymoon.
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| Posted by Tommy Fischer on 14-Aug-2005 | dog manOne day this man came from home very hungry. there was nothing
to eat but one can in the cupboard that had no label on it. he
said what the hell so he opened the can and started to eat it.
when the mans wife came home she saw him eating the can of food.
she said honey do you know that is dog food. he said no but it
is damn good go get some more. the man started eating the dog
food everyday. the woman being afraid it would hurt him went to
the doctor and asked the doctor if it wopuld hurt him. the
doctor said there were no chemicals in it that would hurt him so
she went home. then shje got to thinking and wanted to get
second opinion so she went to the minister of the church she
attended. the minister told her that the dog food would be the
death of the man.. she tried to get her husband to stop eating
the food. about two months later the man died and the doctor the
minister and the wife were talking. the doctor says i am sorry.
i thought for sure the food wouldnt kill him. the minister said
see i was right the food would kill him. she said no it wasnt
the food he was in the driveway licking his nuts and i ran him
over with the car.
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| Posted by Brian Cannon on 14-Aug-2005 | Thank Goodness!There was this sort of DIM guy from kentucky, and he wanted to
buy a horse because he thought gas prices were too expensive. So
he goes to this guy down his road who has a bunch of horses and
asks him if he could buy one from him. The neighbor says sure,
I'll give you a special price-$100. So the guy says GREAT! I'll
take it. So his neighbor shows him the horse, and tells him to
be careful because this horse isnt just any other horse, you
have to use special commands to get it to go and stop. The
neighbor tells the man to say "thank goodness" to get it to go;
and "bellybutton" to get it to stop. The man says okay, pays the
neighbor, hops on the horse, then says "thank goodness" and the
horse starts trotting. All is going well until the horse gets
scared by a car and starts running--right towards a cliff. The
man says to himself..oh no...what was the word to get the horse
to stop??? He thinks as fast as he can and just as the horse
gets to the edge he thinks of it and yells "bellybutton!". The
horse stops just at the edge. "whew" he says to himself. "that
was close. Thank goodness."
And the horse goes right off the edge.
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