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| Posted by Kevin M. Pinto on 14-Aug-2005 | A Full Set of TeethWhat do you call a room filled with 32 people from Kentucky?
A full set of teeth.
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| Posted by William C. Herbert on 14-Aug-2005 | RoadkillHow many rednecks does it take to eat roadkill?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for the cars.
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| Posted by chips on 14-Aug-2005 | A Redneck's Guide to Autos - Part 1Jack up your car by installing tires that are big enough to
drive over a three story building.
When you are well aware that your car might break down, drive on
bridges and narrow highways during peak rush hour traffic.
If your car breaks down while driving, do not attempt to move to
the shoulder. Stay in the middle of the road.
If it is necessary to change your tire on a road shoulder, lie
the flat tire in the middle of the road and make traffic drive
around it.
If your muffler system breaks, keep it broken as long as
possible. Drive through residential neighborhoods at night as
much as you can and rev the engine.
If your car leaks oil, and you visit friends or relatives, park
in their driveway.
Never replace worn tires and drive fast on wet roads and
slippery roads.
If you notice smoke coming from your exhaust pipes, allow your
car to roll back at the next red light to make sure that you get
some of it into the car behind you.
Tint your windows pitch black so that nobody can see you, where
your looking, or what's happening in front of you.
Only have your oil checked and windows washed when you pull into
a busy and under-staffed gas station.
Never replace burned out brake, signal, and head lights.
When replacing a burned out low-beam headlamp, use a high-beam
bulb.
Try to aim the lights higher than legal limit.
Windows which no longer roll down are not to be fixed. This way
you can delay other drivers by having to unfasten your seat belt
and open the entire car door to pay a highway toll.
If your car's safety fails the annual state inspection, bring it
to a private inspection station and pay the mechanic $20 to pass
you.
If any safety parts on your car need replacing (such as burned
out headlights or worn tires) wait months until its inspection
time to get them repaired.
If the plastic tail light cover breaks, fix it with red tape. If
the plastic turn signal cover breaks, fix it with yellow tape.
If the bumper or exhaust system starts to fall off, use twine to
loosely tie it back up. Better yet, just let it drag on the
road.
If the radio antenna breaks, unbend a wire hanger and shove it
into the antenna opening.
Adjust your window washers so that they squirt over the
windshield, above the car, and onto the vehicle behind you.
An old rag is the perfect substitute for a missing gas cap.
When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open, then
step into oncoming traffic as you walk around the door to
re-enter your car.
Install bright neon lights around your license plates so that no
one can read them.
When you bring your car in for servicing and the mechanic asks
what kind of car you have, tell him you have a blue one.
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| Posted by Jeremy Radle on 14-Aug-2005 | Arkansas divorceIf a couple from Arkansas decide to get a divoce, are they still
legally brother and sister?
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| Posted by holly on 14-Aug-2005 | redneck christmas'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.
When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.
The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.
When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said "Shoot Fire!" That must be St. Nick!
More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.
Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!
From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!
I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.
He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.
His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.
The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.
He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.
He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.
He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.
When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.
He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS
Y'ALL!"
YEE HAWWWW!
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| Posted by goin' wild on 14-Aug-2005 | New BoatersIt was around noon time when a redneck family decided to take
their brand new boat for a first time drive. They didn't want to
go alone so they invited their neighbors. When the two couples
arrived at the lake they carefully put the boat in the water.
When they started to go they noticed the boat wouldn't move and
it was making a loud roaring noise. No matter how much he pushed
up on the throttle the boat still would not move. After about an
hour of trying to figure out what was wrong the two couples
idled over to a near by lake marina where they were for sure
going to get help. They told them what was happening and asked
if they could help. The boat mechanic checked the trim, that
prop and all the instruments and nothing was wrong with them, so
he decided to jump in the water and look under the boat. Within
two seconds of him being under water he came up choking on water
because he was laughing so hard. They asked him what was wrong
and he said your boats still on the trailer.
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| Posted by TommyGirl4 on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 ways you know your a redneck10. You scratch your back with a toilet brush.
9. your dad walks you to school because you are in the same
grade.
8. you call 5th grade your senior year.
7. your grandma and your aunt went to a funeral and the faught
over who was the window.
6. you watch Joe Dirt and you don't get it
5. your name is Joe Dirt.
4. you think Kid Rock is a World leader.
3. you stare at the orange juice box for hours because it say
concentrate.
2. your pumpkin has more teeth than your wife.
1. you have been married 4 times and you still have the same
in-laws
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| Posted by Snow Man on 14-Aug-2005 | Beeping Sound at Red LightThis actually happened!
I live in Edinbourgh, Scotland. I'm on a tour bus showing a
friend around. Behind us is this huge Texan. We knew knew this
because he told everyone very loudly when anyone got on the bus.
The bus stops at a red light and he hears a beeping sound. He
asks what it is and I tell him it's the sound to let blind
people know when the traffic has stopped. He says, "Oh! In our
country we just don't let our blind drive!"
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| Posted by Demon S. Sex on 14-Aug-2005 | How to say I Love You?HOW TO SAY 'I LOVE YOU' IN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:
English ..... I Love You
Spanish .... Te Amo
French ...... Je T'aime
German .... Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese .. Ai Shite Imasu
Italian ....... Ti Amo
Chinese .... Wo Ai Ni
Swedish ... Jag Alskar Dig
Eskimo ..... Nagligivaget
Greek ....... S'Agapo
Hawaiian ... Aloha Wau Ia Oe
Irish .......... Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew ..... Ani Ohev Otakh
Russian .... Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
Albanian ... Une Te Dua
Finnish ..... Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Turkish ..... Seni Seviyorum
Hungarian . Se Ret Lay
Persian ..... Du Stet Daram
Maltese .... Jien Inhobbok
Catalan ..... Testimo Molt
Redneck......Nice Tits
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| Posted by Rick Madole on 14-Aug-2005 | Alabama VirginWhat do you call a virgin in Alabama?
Faster than her father and stronger than her brother.
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