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| Posted by Antonio J. Lopez on 14-Aug-2005 | Osama Bin LadenWhy are they taking out all the k-marts in Afghanistan?
To put in Targets.
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| Posted by Krazy Kin Kid on 14-Aug-2005 | Monica LewinskyThere is a picture going around that has Monica Lewinsky with white around
her lips. On the bottom of the picture it reads "Got Clinton."
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(): (): Clinton remembered |
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| Posted by Cath L. Currey on 14-Aug-2005 | Clinton rememberedHow will President Clinton be remembered?
As the President after Bush.
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| Posted by Michelle K. Gordon on 14-Aug-2005 | What the halo?When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven, she was met at the pearly
gates by Saint Peter, and told to come right in, that "He" was expecting
her. She went inside, and was met by a host of angels singing praises to
her. These angels led her to a room in which God himself was waiting.
Mother Teresa was humbled as God spoke of all the good she had done for
the less fortunate masses on earth.
He went on to tell her that, in appreciation of all the good work she had
performed, He had made a special halo just for her. It was bigger than all
the other halos in heaven, and he wanted her to wear it proudly.
Mother Teresa, being the humble soul that she is, protested, saying that
she only did what she did because she was trying to live a life worthy of
Christ, and God replied that He was well aware of that, but just wear the
halo, that it would make him happy.
So Mother Teresa went forth wearing the halo, and was the center of
attention wherever she went. One day though, she saw someone with a much
larger halo, and with interest picqued, she went to see who rated a halo
larger than hers. It was none other Princess Di. This troubled Mother
Teresa, and caused her to go to God to find out what Di did to rate a
bigger halo.
"My Lord, I am not one to complain, and I am very humbled that I have been
given such a large halo, but I feel I must ask, why would Princess Di have
a larger halo than I?" "My child," the Lord answered, "that is not a halo,
it's a steering wheel."
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(): (): Turmoil in Heaven! |
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| Posted by Prankster (Jake) on 14-Aug-2005 | Turmoil in Heaven!Divine Press Release
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had
an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year
old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's
"only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that
she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she
was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning,
God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship
existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily".
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the
Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of
whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had
illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three
foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued
subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens
in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the
charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God
had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed
land deal.
In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to
cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's
political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the
destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention
away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public
land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro
quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to
God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral
standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently
outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep.
Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions
for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning
to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional
restriction on free speech.
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| Posted by CoCa_CoLa_13 on 14-Aug-2005 | Bill's DickQ: What do you call the ugly, useless, smelly piece of flesh attached to
Bill Clinton's dick?
A: Monica.
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(): (): Bin Laden goes to a Psychic |
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| Posted by Jose A. Suazo on 14-Aug-2005 | Bin Laden goes to a PsychicBin Laden goes to a psychic and asks her "When will I die?" She
tells him that he will die on an American Hoilday. "Oh No! Which
hoilday?!" The psychic says, "When you die, it will be an
american Hoilday."
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| Posted by Lagmaster2000 on 14-Aug-2005 | Clinton ComputerIBM just announced its latest personal computer - "The Clinton".
It has a six inch hard drive and no memory.
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| Posted by Star Shine on 14-Aug-2005 | Quoted As...One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her
class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to
correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly
jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations!" Said the teacher, "You may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F.
Kennedy".
"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said,
"I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who
said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll
see you Monday."
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(): (): Clinton's Lawyer: Johnny Cochran |
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| Posted by Make Me A. Laugh on 14-Aug-2005 | Clinton's Lawyer: Johnny CochranAfter asking just about anyone with a law degree to come to his defense,
Bill Clinton finally turned to the one man he knew could help: Johnny
Cochran. Ken Starr's spies were able to obtain a copy of Mr. Cochran's top
ten suggested defense strategies:
10. If the dress ain't a mess, he don't need to confess.
9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate.
8. If the bitch didn't spit, you must acquit.
7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal.
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore.
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses.
4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life.
3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof.
2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy.
And Johnny Cochran's #1 Clinton defense:
1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral.
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